Hi Tri, I believe that the highest score that this essay can get is a 4. I base this score on the way that all of your discussion paragraphs are not fully developed. The paragraphs try to discuss multiple issues at one time in the given paragraph, thus creating talking points instead of explanatory responses in the paragraph. Under developed talking points will not do your essay any good because that represents "tangential" responses. That means that the responses do not completely make sense because the discussion sentences are not interconnected.
It would be best if you practice the "one topic per paragraph" method of writing these essays as that is the expected discussion approach when you take the test. Don't get me wrong, your line of reasoning is solid, it is appropriate. It just isn't explained very well and that is the main reason why I had to lower the score of your essay. In addition to that, you also have sentence development problems. I suggest that you brush up on your English reading so that you can familiarize yourself with the English sentence structures. In addition to that, you need to brush up on your English references because you do not always use these properly. Such as:
the children are fully supervision by the teachers
Time references are important in these types of essays as these indicate the fluidity of your English vocabulary knowledge. The correct term is "supervised", meaning "to have overseen". Make sure that you take the time to review the essay before its submission so that editing mistakes can be avoided.