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Writing task 2: Some people believe that technology has made man more social. Do you agree or not?


Bill8 1 / -  
Aug 20, 2021   #1
Please helps me to check this essay! thanks in advance.
Some people believe that technology has made man more social.

To what extent do you agree and disagree with this opinion?



THIS IS MY ESSAY:

It is a common belief that the advent of sophisticated modern technologies such as mobile phones, laptops have helped people to enhance and improve social lives or whether the opposite has become the case. Personally, I strongly agree with the former and I will discuss this essay on both sides.

On the one hand, there is some evidence that such technologies can be disadvantageous for a variety of reasons. Firstly, because of its addictive nature, young people are more likely to be affected, and this leads to a feeling isolated from society which can make them lose their real-life relationships. Secondly, with the popularity of such technologies, it can reduce face-to-face interactions. Although this can help people to feel in touch and connected, people are able to lack social skills and abilities to communicate with others in real situations.

On the other hand, although there are some downsides of technological developments, its multifold advantages can be denied. The central reason for this could be that due to more use in such devices, people can connect freely and easily with their loved ones which results in less experience loneliness and feeling out of the loop. Exchange students, for example, can share any type of information with their family and their friends whenever and wherever they want, despite the geographical barriers and this reduces the risk of depression, homesickness and other mental diseases.

In conclusion, although I acknowledge that there are many downsides of using technology, I am of the opinion that its beneficial effects can outweigh the disadvantages.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Aug 21, 2021   #2
The writer has mistakenly combined response formats for this essay. He is trying to represent:
- An extent essay
- A comparison essay
- An advantage V. disadvantage essay

in a discussion that requires only a measured singular response essay. All other discussion references are irrelevant. The opinion presentation is incorrect and forced an error in terms of TA expectations. The response should have only been:

Personally, I strongly agree with the former

That is the correct extent response. What should have followed was a thesis sentence containing a reference to 2 reasons. The reasoning paragraphs should have then extended the reason presented over a paragraph each.

The topic restatement is also not well presented. The writer needs to represent one point of mill per sentence to avoid confusing.versions of the original topic. It is a run on sentence gone wrong.
Victo - / 1  
Aug 24, 2021   #3
It would be better to use this collocation:

other mental diseases illness
So Ri 1 / 2  
Aug 29, 2021   #4
In the first sentence, I think you should use either enhance or improve otherwise there will be a redundancy.
You shouldn't write "I strongly agree with the former" because it only has one statement. "I strongly agree" is enough,


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