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Some people believe that the world is changing for the better

Tang Phuong 2 / 3  
Apr 4, 2020   #1

mixed opinions regarding the change of the world

Essay topic: Some people believe that the world is changing for the better. Some argue that things are changing for the worse. Which statement do you agree with?

Opinions are mixed regarding the change of the world. Some people claim that it is changing for the better day by day. Some assert the reverse that the world itself is getting down. Personally, I find the second idea more convincing.

Initially, in our fast-paced and highly integrated world, technology has been revolutionising with a great amount of cutting-edge equipment. However, this leads to the fact that the Internet actually set people far apart, we communicate through screens. Additionally, our children or friends could get abused not only face-to-face but also cyber bully. Furthermore, the age of people who can get access to the Internet is getting younger than ever before. Uncensored or inappropriate content might be seen by children. For instance, some Youtube channels with a numerous number of subscribers such as 5-minute craft or Troom Troom have made a myriad of videos about daily life tricks but most of them are incorrect and even harmful as well not to mention some detrimental games like the Blue Whale challenge or Momo challenge.

Another point to consider is that the industrialised revolution has seriously damaged the environment. Some of the main reasons can be named as the overuse of non-renewable fossil fuels and the excessive emissions of greenhouse gases like CO2 or CFC. This will eventually lead to the destruction of the ozone layer, greenhouse effect and the extinction of many species. All of the problems above will definitely cause the loss of biodiversity. Imagine one day human beings no longer exist since the destruction of ourselves to the world that we are living in. The Australia bushfires could be a good example. It caused the deaths of thousands of Koalas, which is a third of the number of this species in Australia.

All things considered, it is my strong belief that the world with human domination is deteriorating. Although our living standard has reached a far better condition, but we cannot deny the fact that most aspects of our lives saw a foreseeable degradation.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,097 3254  
Apr 4, 2020   #2
By writing 355 words, you have shown that you can type fast, but, can you hand write just as fast within 40 minutes? I don't think so. Always practice by setting your timer and using a practice booklet. Hand write the essay as you would at the testing center. If you do not practice using the actual test setting, you will find yourself lacking for time and being unable to complete the essay in the handwritten form on the actual test day. Use the actual test setting when practicing so you there won't be any surprises for you come test day.

Your response to the prompt is unclear. What exactly do you mean by: Some assert the reverse that the world itself is getting down.

Getting down is English slang for one of two things: (1) Going to a dance floor or (2) to be cool with something. Neither of which apply to what I think you want to say. Remember, you have to be clear in your statements otherwise you will lose points for coherence. If something is unclear to the examiner, he will definitely score you downward for it. Additionally, you are not being asked about whether you are convinced by the statement. You are being asked if you agree or disagree with it. So your response isn't aligned with the discussion question and will cost you more deductions in the TA section.

You should only be writing a maximum of 5 sentences that have a topic sentence to start with, followed by a reasoning explanation, an example, then a supporting justification for the example, and finally, a transition sentence into the next paragraph. All you did was present reason after reason, without a justified explanation, so your ideas are all under developed and will not score well when it comes to cohesiveness and coherence.

Basically the content and presentation of this essay is problematic. It is not going to achieve a 5 band score because of the lack of clarity in the discussion along with the lack of explanations and justifications for the reasons presented. Don't just keep presenting reasons, you need to be able to justify the reasons as well. 2 reasons in 2 connected paragraphs would suffice for this type of 4 paragraph essay.

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