These are my comments:
Once I read a story about the famous basketball player,
MikaelMichael Jordan, who was once fired from his school's basketball team because his couchcoach did not find him enough talented. But he decided to show everyone he could play basketball, he achieved his goal by trying hard.
In my opinion, this sentence is an example. Instead of starting your paragraph with an example, you should begin it with an idea, perhaps about perseverance and success which is relevant to your example.
Secondly, be mindful when spelling out names of very famous people.You don't want to grab the reader's attention with these errors.
No matter how talented you are, if you do not try hard, you would not be able to develop you talents. I know some students with high IQ, but they do not try to do well at school. They are talented but as long as they neglect their education, they would not be assumed as good students.
Apparently, this is another idea and should be placed in a different paragraph, or better yet this can be a good statement for your opinion.
others claim talents are the results of trainings and hard work
Avoid using I,you,...third person sounds more formal, ( person,people,individual,one, etc. )
and of course, you have improved a lot..so keep it up.
hope this helps...