I am practicing the IELTS exam.It is hoped that you can help me correct this essay. Thanks a lot.
Career path of an average worker
Topic: In the past, people spend their entire lives doing one job.But nowadays ,they change their jobs frequently.Please give the reasons and your suggestions.
The following is my essay:
Despite of the fact that switching job is annoying or even traumatic, a large number of people still are job hopping every year. It is widely known that the common reasons of job hopping are lousy bosses, miserable salaries and hostile work environments. However , the most primary cause is always ignored by general public.
The peak season of job hopping is mainly caused by the massive reformation of the contemporary society. The 21st century is characterized by the rapid rate of change.
Nation around the world are experiencing dramatic shifts in their political, economic, social structures. There shifts have changed how people view job hopping. The views of staying in the same company for work promotion are long gone. Nowadays, neither employers nor employees directly link long service with loyalty. Business owner no longer think that the best measure of loyalty is the number of employers has worked by an individual. In contrast, they give priority on ensuring that employees are engaged and committed during the period they spend with them because they believe that it can be more stressfully to gain an efficient result. This mean the employees can be more easily to switch job and take charge of their own progression and development at their own pace.
In sprite of the mutation is irresistible and irretrievable , the human resources managers still can improve the current situation. It should be noticed that sometime employees choose to leave because they discover that the jobs or the workplaces are far from what they have expected. The working hours are different with the promise ,the training or job prospect do not come through, and managers may have misrepresented pay offers. In order to decline the expected value of workers, the managers should provide a more complete picture about working in the company before the interview. Therefore, the employees can comprehend the actual working situation adequately.
In my opinion, you should firstly structure your essay into 4 clear passages: Introduction - Body 1 - Body 2 - Conclusion. In fact, the second passage in your essay should be removed or combined into other passages. Also, you need to have 1 or 2 sentences to conclude all your ideas, which will make your essay be more persuadable.
Secondly, you should lengthen your sentences by using "which, that, etc." instead of writing too many single sentences. From that, it will look more academically.
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Since this is your first Task 2 writing task, I can understand why the essay is not good at all. You need time to learn to write in English, develop your English vocabulary, and understand how a Task 2 essay should be formatted, depending on the discussion instructions. These are the main problem points of this essay that will lead it to a failing score.
The explanations are difficult to understand. There is no clarity to the explanation due to improper sentence development and problematic vocabulary. You clearly show that you are highly unfamiliar with the use of the English language. You cannot form a simple sentence that would make sense to the examiner. You use terms you do not understand such as "in sprite of" , when the proper phrase is "in spite of". These types of GRA errors, which are continuously made throughout your essay will ensure that you get a failing GRA, LR, score. The C&C consideration will also fail because of the difficulty in understanding your sentence and paragraph presentations.
I strongly urge you to not do any more Task 2 essays at this point. Instead, focus on sentence development exercises. By improving your sentence development skills, you will also increase your vocabulary usage. A properly developed sentence, which you need to learn to create, will mean that you will also be improving your vocabulary because you will learn to use specific words that will indicate what you mean to say or explain in your sentence. These exercises are available online for free.
Focus on your main writing problem for now. Learn to write in English and use proper vocabulary first. Then start working on the IELTS essay practice essays.
1. Despite of the fact that -----------In spite (Despite the fact that)
2. You should use a better structure when writing task 2. (Introduction---Body1---Body2---Conclusion)