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People who committed crime, especially the young offenders, have the right to be educated


duomaxwel 1 / -  
Mar 3, 2015   #1
Some people believe the criminals should be sent to prison others prefer community services

There has been a considerable debate on the future development of the criminals. The majority of lawbreakers have been sent to prison directly by their government. However, some people suggest that they should be formed into the society and participate in the community works, therefore meanwhile they are able to learn social skills. I strongly agree with the latter argument.

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fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Mar 4, 2015   #2
Hi duomaxwel, I have some general suggestions for you, I hope it can help you to improve your writing.

There has been a considerable debate on the future development of the criminals. The majority of lawbreakers have(I think it should be singular verb because you use "the majority") been sent to prison directly by their government. However, some people suggest that they should be formed into the society and participate in the community works, therefore meanwhile(you should put comas here, "therefore, meanwhile". Nevertheless, I am afraid that it will be inappropriate when you use 2 adverb as a linking word in the beginning of your sentence.)[/i ] they are able to learn social skills. I strongly agree with the latter argument [i](your position in this introductory sentence is clear enough although it is not strong enough inasmuch as you do not give a general reason for your thesis statement) .

First of all(I suggest you to avoid this expression in that it does not determined that you want to write a topic sentence. Moreover, the expression is commonly used to express supporting idea in the multiple idea paragraph) , people who committed crime, especially for the young offenders have the right to be educated by the government, and it is vital to rehabilitate criminals other than restrict(it should be = restricting them) them into a forbidden place. Through community services, it provides a chance to make contributions by(the appropriate collocation is contributions to ) helping the society. By acting as an imperative role within(role in) the community, they will be motivated and show better performance in the period of rehabilitation. Furthermore, young offenders will not only be benefited by obtaining relevant skills, but also gained better personalities as staying in a positive atmosphere, it will become an essential aspect in their future life.

On the other hand, some cases of crime are the result of innate personal characteristics, those criminals should not be given an opportunity to be reformed. Certain criminals are unforgivable, such as rapist or murderer. Offering them a rehabilitate chance(it is unnecessary as you put a verb before a noun, so it should be "a rehabilitated chance") can only give rise to the damage to the innocent citizens (bad flow, I suggest you to rewrite this sentence). For instance, in regard to the newspaper, a prisoner killed another person after being released. Therefore, to lock those serious criminals in jail alternatively can be seem as a way of protecting the citizens.(you should be consistent to use a tense use in your paragraph; you, meanwhile, can use more than 2 tenses in your paragraph as long as you are commit to add time signal to change these structures.)

In conclusion,the government should provide community services and proper vocational training in order to improve the social skills of criminals, especially pour more attention on younger generations((I think that this is your suggestion, not your conclusion because a conclusion is not restate what we say in the first paragraph(thesis statement)) . However, certain crime may result from lawbreakers' inner qualities, and they should be sentences by the harsh law.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.


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