These are my few corrections for your essay. Hopefully, they can help to finalize yours.
People who conduct business should
ON their aims to make money.
I totally believe toward this notionYou should display your position clearly. Agree or disagree..??
Turning to the first body paragraph, you can explain your opinion well. You have given your personal experience to support your statement. However, When I have learnt closely about your example, you did not review detailed. You said that the employees are more prosperous, but you did not mention indicators about that change. For example, that relates to their salary.
Aburizal bakrie.You should explain who that Aburizal Bakrie because Not all people know him.
To sum up, the objectives on businesses which entrepreneurs should concentrate is to make moneyIn the conclusion sentence, you should still show your position about that matter.