As a TOEFL test taker myself, I have written I lot of essays myself. I don't know how much you are aiming for but I really regret to say that this is a poor essay... ToT... sorry..
First off let's look at your introduction. It's too simple. There's no spark, no urge that makes me want to read this. You begin by saying people debate whether children should follow their parent's career path... This is too blunt and rough. If I were you, I would go like, "Children these days are always influenced by their parents which is why most of them are more likely to follow in their parent's footsteps in work." Provide some background information or something personal about your experiences that could help you in this essay.
The first main point is:
To begin with, being influenced by our parents extrinsically and intrinsically, we are good at our parents' jobs. So we will be more competitive to do the same job and feel a sense of achievement, making us love our jobs even more.
I don't understand this statement... Are we really good at what our parents do because they influence us? And how can we feel a sense of achievement if we completely copy what our parents do? I'm confused by your logic... If you had some specific details and reasons why you think this way, maybe I could understand.
your second paragraph is decent. It isn't good, but maybe more details of how this can benefit both you and your parents.
I apologize if I sound really rude... if you want some examples of how a toefl essay looks, feel free to read mine. I posted a lot of TOEFL essays here. Maybe you can use these as examples for your future writing.