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TOEFL: People always debate on whether or not children should follow their parents' career paths.


simonexi 1 / 2  
Jan 23, 2015   #1
Hey guys, I am preparing for my TOEFL IBT test and I really count on your help with this essay. Please feel free to comment. Thanks a lot.

topic: it is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents' jobs than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents' jobs

People always debate on whether or not children should follow their parents' career paths. Some people hold the opinion that a young adult having a different job from his parents will experience a fresh life which has more fun, while others believe that having a similar career with their parents will make life easier. From my perspective, it is better for us to choose jobs that are similar to our parents' jobs.

To begin with, being influenced by our parents extrinsically and intrinsically, we are good at our parents' jobs. So we will be more competitive to do the same job and feel a sense of achievement, making us love our jobs even more. According to a survey, people who have a similar job with their parents usually achieve much than people in the same career who do not. Take my own experience for an example. I grew up in a accounting family and before I finished grade two, I already can calculate numbers from my father's account book via abacus. This huge lead helps me to be one of the top students in accounting major. Therefore, choosing jobs that are similar to our parents' jobs will definitely bring us a competitive gesture.

In addition, our parents will give us a hand in the career, which they familiar with. When we encounter some difficulties in our job, our parents always can come up with constructive suggestions since they have been in the same situation before. Last summer, I was struggle with how to audit companies effectively during my internship and my father as an experienced accounting showed me what they usually do to polish financial report. Thanks to my father's help I finish my job fast and well. Imagine to someone whose parents have no experience with their children's job, there is nothing they can do about their children's problems.

Admittedly, experiencing a different career from our parents may make us feel fresh for a day or two. However, when enthusiasm fades away, we will feel helpless and lose our confidence in a completely new area. This is the last thing we want.

To sum up, according to all the reasons discussed above, I strongly recommend children choose the jobs same with their parents' jobs.
rohitkhadse 2 / 4  
Jan 23, 2015   #2
overall good essay.You use good example which are related to your reasons.
I want to ask one question,do you time yourself while writing this essay?
OP simonexi 1 / 2  
Jan 23, 2015   #3
Thanks for your comment.
about the question: not really, I polished it while I was writing. This essay took me nearly 1hour and a half.
It usually takes me a lot of time to make an outline of essays. Could you help me with some advice about this problem?
kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 23, 2015   #4
Dear simonexi,
As a TOEFL test taker myself, I have written I lot of essays myself. I don't know how much you are aiming for but I really regret to say that this is a poor essay... ToT... sorry..

First off let's look at your introduction. It's too simple. There's no spark, no urge that makes me want to read this. You begin by saying people debate whether children should follow their parent's career path... This is too blunt and rough. If I were you, I would go like, "Children these days are always influenced by their parents which is why most of them are more likely to follow in their parent's footsteps in work." Provide some background information or something personal about your experiences that could help you in this essay.

The first main point is:

To begin with, being influenced by our parents extrinsically and intrinsically, we are good at our parents' jobs. So we will be more competitive to do the same job and feel a sense of achievement, making us love our jobs even more.

I don't understand this statement... Are we really good at what our parents do because they influence us? And how can we feel a sense of achievement if we completely copy what our parents do? I'm confused by your logic... If you had some specific details and reasons why you think this way, maybe I could understand.

your second paragraph is decent. It isn't good, but maybe more details of how this can benefit both you and your parents.
I apologize if I sound really rude... if you want some examples of how a toefl essay looks, feel free to read mine. I posted a lot of TOEFL essays here. Maybe you can use these as examples for your future writing.
OP simonexi 1 / 2  
Jan 24, 2015   #5
Thank you kibz.
Don't feel sorry about it. I think you made good points. About the influence part, I do need to add some explainations to make it more sense. And my begining part is kind of like a template. There is still a lot of work to be done on my essay. Thanks again for the suggestions.:)
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Jan 24, 2015   #6
Albeit, it is quite a salient and interesting essay to read. Notwithstanding, i want to point out some of yours debilities.
According to a survey, people who have a similar job with their parents usually achieve much than people in the same career who do not attempt to be more precise and informative in this sentence. It would have been much more cogent if you had mentioned concretely from what survey did you get this kind of information in lieu of just saying, according to the random survey.

To sum up, according to all the reasons discussed above, I strongly recommend children choose the jobs same with their parents' jobs. this conclusion will work out perfectly for TOEFL since from time to time the raters do not care about it but just for contingency i would like you to protract it a tab bit longer than the current conclusion.

Hopefully, it was lucrative for you in some ways, so to speak.


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