It would be great if I could get some feedback on this essay in the context of the old SAT test. I really want to improve on creating relevance to my thesis within my body paragraphs, and linking support back to my main idea. I also want to know how to make my conclusion and intro stronger, and possibly what score range this essay would be in (1-12). Thank you!
Prompt: Are people defined by their occupations?
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The term "occupation" often does more than describe a person's way of making money; it categorizes people into predetermined stigmas. Believing the stereotypes associated with certain jobs may lead to serious misjudgment of someone's true character. In both literature and the real world, the occupation someone has never fully captures the personality of that person, as it is nothing but a certain label worn at a certain time. Due to this shallow nature and possibly inopportune timing, occupation alone cannot clearly define a person's identity.
The discrepancies between an occupation and the actual person may be hidden by the nature of the occupation. In Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, a priest named Arthur Dimmesdale is the most revered figure in his town. However, Dimmesdale also harbors a huge sin, one that eats him out alive. This sin of adultery is kept secret to the entire town up until his death, and it is because he is the town priest that no one ever suspects him. The contrast between Dimmesdale's sacrosanct occupation and troubled personal life reveal how shallow of a description an occupation provides of a person.
Additionally, occupations come and go; they cannot accurately describe a person as they are subject to the parameters of time. J.K. Rowling, now famous for creating the Harry Potter franchise, worked as a waitress before becoming a famous writer. She was even unemployed for a period of time. Had she been defined solely by her occupation during those jobs, no one would even consider that her mind held the potential and creativity it did. Her first occupations were the result of lack of opportunity at a bad time, and because of that, they did not merit her true character at all.
While certain people do associate closely to their vocations, a personality can never be captured completely by a single title. Occupations are not deep enough to describe a human being, and they are not subject to the same circumstances that personalities are subject to either. This is evident in literature, such as The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne; and real life people as well. Despite being a way of life, an occupation neither accurately nor completely defines an individual.
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I can help you again. I will try to focus on your thesis.
The first paragraph, I would suggest "eat him alive" or you could you describe it as "bothers his conscious". The first two paragraphs are two different examples. Yet, both examples not only answer the question about stereotypes, but also relate to the thesis.
The reader can understand that one's occupation should not be used to identify or describe the person.
The last paragraph, I want to suggest stating "with their vocations".
This is a really simple but good essay. There were minor errors. I'm not sure how to grade it, but I would suggest continuing on this same path.
I know there are time constraints, but excellent work!
