Nowadays people depend on technology for leisure activities. Is this a positive or negative trend?

technology brings fun to people

These days, technology devices become more and more popular with people all over the world. People spend time on using technology devices too much, even in their leisure activities. From my viewpoint, this statement is negative because of the fact that it is harmful for our health and keeps us separated from community.

One obvious reason is that using technology devices continuously in long term is harmful for our health. This means, this can especially affect to our eyes. For example, when using mobile phone too long, the green light from mobile phone does harm to our eyes. Because of that we can cause some problems with eyesight. Moreover, using technology devices too much can prevent us from exposuring to the sunlight. So that our body can not get enough vitamins to strengthen our health.

Another negative reason is that, separating from the community. This can be explained by shortening our relationship in both friends and families. For instance, during the gathering day in our families, we spend most of time using our mobile phones or watching TV. This can leads to the lacks of understanding in each members in our famlies, so we can sometimes feel alone due to the shortage of connection. Furthermore, we use technology devices even in our leisure time, so we do not go out to meet our friends face to face, it keeps us separated from each other.

In conclusion, this negative statement should be solved to make our daily life better. Human being depend on technology leisure activities brings many drawbacks due to all above reasons.

There are times when a restatement + opinion should only be 2 sentences long. This is one of those cases. Base the number of sentences in the first paragraph on the original. Mirror that number as closely as possible. It should not take more than the same to rewrite and respond to the question. Save all other filler information for the reasoning paragraphs. Aim for total accuracy in the introduction and thesis section. Remember there instructions for next time. As of now, the paragraph presentation works in an imperfect manner. It still accomplished the task.

The reasons presented have an uneven presentation development. My observation is that the first topic presented is usually fully developed in terms of basis, explanation, and examples. The second topic is usually not as well threshed out in both instances which can lead to C + C deductions. Avoid a second topic presentation in the paragraphs if not necessary to do so. It results in a negative impact on the score.

A more coherent wrapup of the discussion should be provided. It must be an accurate short version of the preceding paragraphs rather than a "refer to above" reference as done here.

affect to -> affect
green light -> blue light
Because of that we can cause... -> As a result, it can cause some problems for eyesight.
No subject in the topic sentence in the second body paragraph
Confusing use of the word "statement"

"these days," I think it's informal
You should not use "technology devices" many times

using more supporting sentence for each of your ideas. Recheck the use of comma. Try to diversify your vocabulary. In my opinion, the conclu should include 3 sentence. The last one should be a prediction or a recommendation