Thanks Jeanie!! I'll do the other half.
...you kickin' me out, Kevin?? :D You would be breaking my heart; I like helping with TOEFL essays! I get to calm down a bit and think about how to explain things...valuable learning for me. :)
K. Any way...I ain't goin' nowhere, teehee!< bad bad grammar!
Furthermore, learning a lot of different interests, people can expand their horizons.
"Furthermore" seems snobbish here; it would be better if you said it plainly.
"People can expand their horizons by developing different interests..
Furthermore, learning a lot of different interests, people can expand their horizons. Nowadays, a great amount of people should pay attention to their work in this high tempo era
"...A narrow-minded focus can impede (??) both social and professional growth, especially in today's high-tempo environment."
(...the way I think of paragraphs is like a pathway through the forest with pieces of candied fruit leading my way and the tinkle of a waterfall in the distance; I want to walk some more...
lead your reader with pieces of word candy - information - that will compel them to read what comes next. :)
This is a good essay,Wang! I believe in the message you bring and the arguments you make! Outstanding! I hope I am helping to clean it up a bit. If my explanations are unclear, please let me know.
Blue skies! Jeannie