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People have different views on dilemma if people successful in a sport should have higher earnings

nuradiapuspa 11 / 25  
Mar 5, 2017   #1
Successful sport professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

How much money for a sport star?

People have different views about wether people who reach the highest level in any sports could have a higher earnings. While others in some ways argue that it is unfair for people who work in other significant professions. I personally believe that it is fully acceptable if sport professionals get more salaries than average income in society.

There are various reasons why it might be considered that people in other important careers deserve more wages. For instance, there are doctor and scientist who have big and important role in society. They have reliable ability and give huge contribution to others, it is something that athlete can't do. The learning process which bring them to be who they are now is not cheap, hence they should be well-paid of what they give to public.

However, I agree with those who argue that people who are success in any sport professions to get high salaries. These are the reasons. Firstly, a sport professional has proven their ability in sport championship. It could bring the country where the athletes come to the higher level if they join international events. Secondly, a sport team is definitely need more funding for the training, some sport equipments, routin medical check-up, and also highly needed in nutritional food intake. In addition, sport activity seems have more serious risk if the athletes got any accidents. Therefore, they need much insurance to keep them in a guarantee condition.

In conclusion, it seems to me that any professions should be awarded by appropriate wages. Then, for sport professionals, I agree that they are deserve more money on account of what they do and what they need.
Peaches07 5 / 20 6  
Mar 5, 2017   #2


In the last paragraph, see what I have corrected as;

In conclusion, any profession should and can be awarded wages as appropriately as they see fit.
... they are deserving of more money on account of what they have done, do and what they need.

Hope it helps!
yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 6, 2017   #3
hi @nuradiapuspa

Firstly, in academic writing like IELTS writing task one and two, you should avoid using contraction either in your sentences or paragraphs

something that athlete can't do

Then, in first paragraph, after mentioning your topic sentences, you directly develop an example. Obviously, it should be better to mention a supporting idea first then exemplify it by an evidence such as your given example. So that your first paragraph also will get stronger. It seems also that there is a misspelling word routin >> routine.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,013 4242  
Mar 6, 2017   #4
Nura, the essay asks you to do 2 specific movements in order to create a valid discussion. Discuss both points of you and then give your own opinion on the matter. In this current essay, you have only one point of view discussed at the start, you immediately move to your personal opinion after that. This particular discussion required 3 body paragraphs before your concluding statement, which by the way, was not developed properly. The 3 missing body discussions are as follows:

1. The opposing side
2. The supporting side
3. Your personal opinion

In any English exam, you can never and should never, pass off your personal opinion as a closing statement. The closing statement needs to only recap the given information and discussion. It is never used to offer a new opinion / personal opinion as the closing statement. That is because the closing statement does not have enough space to properly discuss a new reason before you offer a closing sentence.

Overall Score: 4
OP nuradiapuspa 11 / 25  
Mar 7, 2017   #5
Thank you for all advices. It helps me a lot.
and for @Holt, i organized my paragraph into :
1. introduction
2. one view
3. the opposite view (which is also my view)
4. conclusion.
Is that really wrong?

For the conclusion, i will write it better next time. Thank you!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,013 4242  
Mar 7, 2017   #6
The format that you used is wrong. In order to accurately represent the task that you are given for the discussion, you have to take note of the steps that the prompt is asking you to do. The second half of the prompt requirement always indicates the format, order, and representation of the discussion. This is the outline format that you should follow. In this instance, your discussion should have followed the following requirement:

1. Prompt paraphrasing
2. Opinion 1
3. Opinion 2
4. Personal Opinion
5. Conclusion

Even though you may share the same opinion as the one in the essay. Your justification must be different and should help to support the opinion that you agree with. This is to show that you understand the prompt you were provided and that you are capable of creating a line of reasoning that does not duplicate the prompt requirement. The personal opinion is a separate discussion as a method testing your English comprehension and reasoning skills.

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