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IELTS: People have different views about who is responsible for raising chilrden


freesoul123 1 / 1  
May 27, 2014   #1
Hi eveyone,
I m new here, I just discovered this wonderful forum.
I m preparing to take the IELTS exam after few months.
I want to share my essay which I wrote for the same IELTS writing task 2 question, I really need your help guys. Just let me know my weak points and also my score.

Essay

People have different views about who is responsible for raising chilrden into good citizens. I believe that parents and schools all together play an important and influencing role on a child's character.

To begin with, parents have a great infulence on a child's personality. As humans, the first contact with the world is through parents, they are the first role-model for children. That's why children tend to imitate them in a diffrent ways. This indicates why the first years of a child have a lasting impact. For instance ; young people learn how to respect and share with others through their parents' teachings and behaviours.

In addition, school is the first place for a child to discover a large variety of other peers and interact with them. Therefore, it should aim to promote good values alongside with the academic achievement. It should aim to prepare good citizens with qualities such us : working hard, respect of others, teamwork and problem-solving..This can be achieved by encouraging students to be part of a team and to respect, help and share with each other.

To sum up, parents play a huge role in educating good values to the new generations, but schools also is responsible of promoting such values, that s why a sense of cooperation is needed to achieve the goal.
dil77 4 / 9 2  
May 27, 2014   #2
that s why a . Thus, ....
OP freesoul123 1 / 1  
May 28, 2014   #3
thanks a lot.
Could anyone please tell me how is my overall level of English through this piece of writing? what score should I have?
thank you
yirunli 7 / 17  
May 28, 2014   #4
There are some spelling mistakes and the words of the essay are not enough.
dumi 1 / 6924 1592  
May 30, 2014   #5
People have different views about who is responsible for raising chilrden into good citizens. I believe that parents and schools all together play an important and influencing role on a child's character.

Well, you do not sufficiently introduce the background of the issue. The issue is about whose responsibility of bringing up children to be good citizens ? Parents or teachers? You should have elaborated on that fact more as your entire essay revolves around that and you need to tell the reader about it :)

That's why children tend to imitate them in adiffrentmany different ways.
In fact, children imprint their parents (the best word is "imprint which means that kids follow their parents' actions and characteristics)
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 12, 2014   #6
please, give space to show the differences between each paragraphs

also, you need to explain more by giving more details examples


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