Many children these have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Nowadays, owing to trend, many people especially children tend to have an unhealthy habit. Although some people argue that both schools and parents share equal responsibility from this problem, I am more likely to against this notion since parents are fully responsible to tackle this issue from children lives.
There is no doubt, parents, as main educators, can easily influence their kids to be more health. This is because parents are closer to children than others. Also, they have the most time with their children to accommodate and teach them how to live better. Taking an example, when I was a child, my mother always made me healthy food before going to school. Also, my father got me to take a walk every weekend about 500 meters in length. In accordance with the recent study, from 200 children investigated, 73 percent of them are influenced by their parents' habits including healthy lifestyle. In short, parents are the most crucial factors to be a role model for their children.
On the other hand, schools should not be responsible for children's bad habits. It is because schools are primary aim is focus on academics and learning improvement. Much time teachers have spent for trying some methods to encourage students' skills and understanding. Therefore, teachers have time no time anymore to control what children consume and how they do in their free time.
To sum up, I believe only parents are the main keys to prevent them from an unhealthy lifestyle. Teachers can only encourage children in short time, so they cannot control them fully. I would like to suggest parents to maximize their efforts to make their kids healthier.
(277 words)
Hi Ilham,
Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 2 essay. I hope you can follow through.
1st paragraph:
- I can notice that in this paragraph you have successfully delivered your argument clearly. Plus, there is no serious grammatical issues. Good job for this paragraph
2nd paragraph:
- ...can easily influenceenjoy, have | look after, maintain | improve | promote | recover, regain | nurse sb back to | damage, harm, ruin, undermine | risk(this is the list of verbs that can be collocated with health because health is not something that can be influenced) their kids to be more healthy / healthier(without more) .
- Also, they have the most timemost of their time with their children (...) teach them how to live better.(unclear statement, what do you mean by "live better"? it seems quite ambiguous.)
- ...my mother always made me healthy foodcooked a healthy food for me before...
- Also(repetitive)Furthermore , my father got me toused to take a walk with me every weekend for about 500 metersin length . ("meter" is already indicated the length, stating "length" would be redundant)
- In accordance with the recent study,(in my opinion, it is better to choose one of the examples that you've provided. Giving an example about yourself is already adequate. Instead of adding "recent study", you can write "the implication" of your example.)
As you can see Ilham, I did focus on the first and the second paragraph of your essay. I left the third and the last paragraph to be proofread by anyone in this forum. Good luck for the next essay practice :)
Hi Ibe!
I like how you develop the idea in a simple way despite of errors in some parts.
Paragraph 1
... influence their kids to be more healthhealthy.
Paragraph 3 :
It is better for you to add an example which related to your idea.
Keep spirit Ibe!
Please focus on using appropriate words. :)
Nowadays, owing to trend, many people especially children tend to have an unhealthy habits .
Although some people argue (...) equal responsibility fromfor this problem,
... to tackle this issue from children lives.
... influence their kids to be morepromotehealthy life .
Also, they have the most timespend much more time onwith their children to ...
... mother always made me healthy food for me before i was going to school.
In short, parents are the most crucial factors to be ...
... schools are primary aim is to focus on academics ...
