The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
As communication tools have been developed well, citizens are extremely straightforward in creating a close relationship and maintain it in a good way. Some people reckon that the cutting-edge communication equipment leads to a worst relationship between country-settlers as physical meeting is never occurred. However, I tend to argue this notion due to the fact that the existence of advanced electronic-media tightens human's correlation by providing them an easy way to keep and build their relationship.
It is avoidable that communication devices like smart phone, bridge inhabitants to communicate whenever they want. Humans are not required to meet directly to person whom they want to see. However, it seems that this will lead to less close relationship between citizens as they never hold a physical meeting. Taking Eid Mubarak and Christmas event for example, since advanced-communication tools have been popular among societies, they are more likely to give their intention up in meeting their relatives and rely on electronic media to keep in touch with them. This, of course, result in unfriendly personal relationship between country-settlers.
What is described above does not seem truly true since media make people easy to have a communication instead. This is will be more beneficial when people have tight activities which force them to possess a restricted time in meeting their relatives. Case in point, working settlers in a big company apparently look hard to meet their friends or relatives in particular time. However, with state-of-the-art communication tools this is more likely not to be a big problem since workers can keep in touch whenever they want.
All in all, electronic media apparently widen human relationship as they never have private contact. However, I am more likely to argue this notion since human's link can be tightened instead by utilizing such sophisticated social networking tools.
... citizens are extremely straightforward in creating a close relationship and maintaining it in a good way.
electronic-media → electronic media
providing them with an easy way provide sb with sth / provide sth for sb
Humans are not required to meet directly to person meet sb meet with sb
it seems that this will lead to less close relationship ??? "more close" × closer "less close"？？？
This, of course, resulted in unfriendly personal relationship between country-settlers.
This is will be more beneficial when if people have tight activities which force ...
this is more likely not less likely to be a big problem since ...
since human's link can be tightenedinstead by utilizing such sophisticated social networking tools.
Muhammad, when you give an example such as Eid Mubarak and Christmas, in support of the discussion that implies how electronic media has had a negative effect on people's lives, you should be sure to explain why this is so in detail. What have you personally observed regarding the two holidays which has led to the claim that the electronic gadgets entice a negative development in the relationship of people? In order to ensure a better score, you always have to present clear examples based on personal experience. While the personal experience is optional, the explanation is not.
You need to tighten your conclusion. What I mean to say by that is that the conclusion is not as strong as it should be. The summary of the discussion, along with the other expected representations in a proper and strong conclusion do not exist in what you wrote. It is also, one sentence too short. Always aim for at least 3 sentences per paragraph, regardless of what essay you are writing about. a complete conclusion can never be presented in shorter sentences.
