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Some people fail in school, but end up being successful in life. Why do you think that is the case?


alecen 1 / 1  
Mar 3, 2018   #1
Some people fail in school, but end up being successful in life. Why do you think that is the case? What is the most important thing to succeed in life?

grades at school sometimes doesn't matter



Success plays a huge role nowadays. Therefore, it is important to have a good education. But, education is not everything. Many people who failed in school ended-up being successful in life because grades don't measure intelligence.

Firstly, our parents and ancestors have always thought us that the schooling system is mandatory and without education we would not find a job and live in poverty and not be successful. Personally, I think that this case is false. There are many exemplary people who did not have education and contributed to today's life in diplomatic matters, science or in many more fields. For instance, Benjamin Franklin (One of the founding fathers) did not even have a high school degree or Michael Faraday who contributed to the world of science.

To add up, my understandings show that the problem does not arouse from ourselves but from a governmental state and our ancestors because they are the one who pushes us to enroll in schools and have degrees.

Secondly, I think that self-education is far greater than the school system. The most important thing to succeed in life would be intelligence and self-esteem. These two factors are far more needed than a diploma. Let's face it, if your grades are excellent but you lack of intelligence and your personality is bad, that would not get you the finest job. You might as well not get employed at all.

In conclusion, every action that we take in life has its consequences. Either, you are going to have a diploma or not, that does not define your intelligence nor personal characteristics. Success is the result of hard work, learning from failure and persistence.

The essay is for IELTS writing task. I wrote it in 1 hour. I give you my full authority to judge, correct and criticize this essay. I'm willing to expand my knowledge and learn from my mistakes. Thanks in advance!
hanhndvn 1 / 2 1  
Mar 3, 2018   #2
Hi Alecen, I hope you could improve your writing skills, especially for IELTS. There are some good things such as your explanation and ideas. However, here are some of the points you can consider in order to improve your band score.

Firstly, the overall style is not formal enough. You used too many pronouns (we, you) while we should use the topic-related terms only. In addition, you repeated the vocabulary of the given topic in your introduction, which is a minus to your Lexical Resource and your word count as well.

Secondly, you should check your grammar carefully. You should not say ". But," while ". However," or ", but" is correct. There are mistakes with "thought us that" and "many examplary" also.

Thank you. These are some of the things you may want to work on.
OP alecen 1 / 1  
Mar 4, 2018   #3
@hanhndvn
Hello hanhndvn, thank you so much for being honest with me and listing down the mistakes. I'd definitely take them into consideration! Also, I'm not taking the IELTS, I'm just practicing to see where I am. Thank you once again!
Rumi2020 2 / 2 1  
Mar 4, 2018   #4
HI ALECEN, THE WAY YOU PARAGRAPHED YOUR ESSAY IS TERRIBLE. THIS IS AN IELTS DIRECT QUESTIONS ESSAY. I ADVISE YOU TO READ SOME MORE OF MODEL ANSWERS TO THESE KINDS OF QUESTION ON THE INTERNET SO YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO FIND A GOOD STRUCTURE FOR YOUR ESSAY.

You did not question number 2 which will definitely affect you task response score. If you want to improve your writing the best advice I can give you is to read as much as you can of model answers and learning the collocations.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Mar 8, 2018   #5
Alex, in a direct question essay, you must always refer to the discussion type when you develop your draft response. In this instance, the instruction is asking you for a justified discussion of only 1 very strong reason for the success of a person who has not completed an education. It is not asking for multiple reasons for the same question. Therefore, this essay is not going to get a very good score due to its prompt deviation. Consider that you are asked "What is the most important thing to succeed in life?" then connect it to "Why is this the case?" and you should have come up with a better answer than the one you presented. A discussion based on the well know college successful college dropouts like Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs would have put your essay on the right track towards a proper and more relevant response. Instead, you offered a mashup of ideas that don't really make sense discussion wise, nor does it connect in a cohesive manner.


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