Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. Causes and proposed solutions.

kaishira35 1 / -  
Feb 11, 2017   #1

Citizen's security

Nowadays, globally, people feel the insecurity of going out and even staying at home because there are uncertain events that cannot be anticipated.

There are several possible reasons for this problem. Firstly, Criminal Crimes such as rape, kidnapping, holdapping, homicide, murder, terrorist attacks and other oppressions. In detail, in the Philippines, these offensive crimes are rampant and associated with drug addiction by criminals who committed those violations. Furthermore, people with the influence of drugs are not able to think straight, do not have remorse and conscience of what they are doing and because of it, they engaged in an illegal act punishable by law. Secondly, Domestic Violence which is common among family members who went through it before. Moreover, it is tied to poverty, drug and alcohol abuse, and those with anger mismanagement. In addition, women and children are particularly the victims.

Lastly, Natural Calamities such as flood, earthquake and tsunami are commonly catastrophes encountered in my homeland. For instance, when Typhoon Yolanda strucked my hometown, it washed out the homes and properties there and because of that, many lost their homes, another example is the eruption of Mount Pinatubo at one area in my nation which killed hundreds of Filipinos.

Some potential solutions have been suggested, here are some of it. First, Government Authorities should increase the years of penalty for lawbreakers. Additionally, a group of individuals, especially women, should train in Martial Arts to defend themselves when encounter with attackers, and for minors, parents should teach them not to go and speak with strangers or accept anything from them. As well as, help them memorize their full name, address and emergency contact number for younger children, hence when they are lost, the Police Officers or good Samaritans will find this information useful in tracking right the child's location. Beside this, Law Enforcement should put security cameras in Public areas such as streets, bridges, near mall and other open spaces. Second, family members, particularly, the married couple should talk to a marriage counselor about their issues to address their problem, voice out their feelings and what is in their minds. Thus, communication is the key to understand each other and to avoid committing harm to one another, and also to create a harmonious relationship together. Yet, if there is already evidence of abuse and a threat to victims, another part of the family or neighbors or even the defender should report the abuser to the Police Department and rescue the victimized person or persons. Subsequently, DSWD (Department of Social and Welfare Development) could extend protection for children. Lastly, Media sectors should forecast news regarding upcoming natural tragedies in your area to prepare for immediate evacuation and rescue operations. Eventually, Government and Private Organizations should be ready to prepare relief goods for those who will be affected.

The world, the people of recent generation feel unsafe anymore, because of the unfortunate circumstances happening at the present and being diligent, cautious and ready we could protect ourselves from ill-fated incidents.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,631 2518  
Feb 11, 2017   #2
Yully-Anne, kindly post the complete, original IELTS task prompt that you are being asked to respond to in order for me to deliver a more accurate review of your work. I cannot deliver the scores for the individual band criteria unless I know exactly you are being expected to deliver the discussion of the topic. What you supplied is incomplete. It is also a violation of the forum rules because you did not come up with an original or interesting title for your essay. You cannot use the prompt topic for the title. Please remember not to violate that rule again because the other students here have found themselves suspended for such a violation. Now, let me offer you a general review of your essay.

The grammar seems to be acceptable. While there are sentence structure problems these did not deviate from your paragraph message. You have capitalization issues strewn throughout your essay. Meaning, you capitalize words such as "law enforcement" and "domestic violence", which are not proper nouns nor titles and are located within the middle of a sentence so these should not be capitalized in the presentation.

Your paragraphs run too long as well. You do not need to keep talking in an IELTS essay. You can present one or two problems and the solutions proposed instead. That way you are able to properly explain yourself and also fully develop the explanation in English for the examiner to consider. The score is not based on the length of the essay but rather, the quality of the content and proper grammar usage skills.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 11, 2017   #3
Hello Yully, welcome to the medium for improving your writing.
In my view, you have need learning the way for constructing the good writing in IELTS Test. Your structure couldn't present your idea well and entirely. In the first paragraph, you should create paraphrase of a statement given. Following that, you stand out in the opinion. It used to be called as the thesis statement. Besides that, you should keep in your mind that the paragraph is supposed to consist of at least three sentences. Therefore, you can give description briefly about causes of the matter in a paragraph, and another paragraph contains its solutions.

Turning to your body paragraph, you have missed the prompt. You are supposed to explain people feel unsafe out the home. However, you have review widely. It is more likely to elucidate a reason why some people commit the crime. Be careful of wide explanation. That can make your synthesis out the topic. In addition, please you avoid writing paragraph too long. I have seen one of your body paragraphs so heavy.

If it comes up about the causes and solutions, you have to remember that the solutions which you give should relate to the causes. When you mention two causes, you should present at least two answers. I really believe you can master this skill on condition that you wanna analyse examples of writing task 1. As many as you read, you can get its points quickly.

Happy writing, good luck

Home / Writing Feedback / People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. Causes and proposed solutions.