Hi all! I find it a lovely website.
I am preparing for toefl and hope to receive as much advice as possible.
So please help with my essay. Make corrections for me and grade it out of 5 if you could.
I appreciate your help.
Since the society is developing fast, do you agree that people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people in the past?
With the rapid pace of society, people today live a life that is unimaginable in the past. Leaving aside other fancy inventions, the Internet alone is an incredible force for good, bringing unlimited information and potential for communication at the tap of a keyboard. However, the fast development has also given rise to problems like invasion of privacy and lack of communication, which significantly affect people's well-being. Therefore, I agree people now are less happy or satisfied with their lives than in the past.
First and foremost, surfing the Internet leaves traces for criminals to follow, thus increasing the risk of privacy infringement. Countless crimes have been reported to relate to information interception, whose victims are millions of netizens all over the world. Needless to say, their information security is being severely challenged, and it is unlikely that they will feel undisturbed about it. To illustrate, the PRISM, also known as US-984XN, had aroused public panic around the world soon after it was revealed. The US government, who was responsible for it, received intense denunciation. No doubt the government's movement has damaged people's happiness to some extent due to the privacy infringement.
On top of that, social network, a seemingly forceful tool that binds people together, actually has a tendency to replace the primitive way of communication, that is, to have a heart-to-heart talk in front of each other. Hence modern people appear to lack real communication, which may result in a low sense of well-being. For instance, nowadays, it is common to see people sitting around a table while looking down at their smart phones, minding their own business, most of whom are probably busy working on their social networks, ignoring people around them. The smart phone addicts are lost in the virtual world and away from the real one, which deprives them of the chance for face-to-face communication. Meanwhile, more than one research suggests that real-life communication is closely connected with one's sense of satisfaction towards life.
It is true that the fast-developing society has brought convenience and efficiency to our lives, saving us the trouble that our ancestors were engaged in. Whereas, the issues of privacy infringement and communication deficiency still lead to low sense of satisfaction. Consider for one's well-being, I would strongly suggest a walk away from the high-tech devices and into the real life.
There are good ideas, but let me ask you first. Do you obtain benefits from the internet and it makes you happy?
I strongly believe that your answer must be YES, mustn't it?
So, you need to show both sides of the argument in your essay. Presenting the opposing and supporting argument shows that you consider more than one opinion. And this is the way how engage the reader (or the examiner). Remember, the examiner may be marking several essays at once so you want yours stands out. You can do this by thinking about your readers. Why would some agree with your argument, why others disagree?
Hope this helps for your next revision.