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People in huge cities either live alone or in small family units instead of a large, extended family


Doan Ngoc 1 / 1  
Jul 21, 2019   #1

generation gap - ielts task 2



In many nations, people in huge cities either live alone or in small family units, instead of a large, extended family. Is this a positive or negative trend?

In these days, family structure is a major topic of concern in society. While I accept that living separately or in nuclear families instead of extended family are beneficial, I am strongly opinion that the advantages are eclipsed by negative disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are definite advantages when city dwellers lead alone life. One of the biggest profits is that this situation can prevent members of family from conflicts involving in generation gap. For example, the young tends to champion the cohabitation before marriage, while the old may consider this trend as a cultural degradation. As a result, if youngster stays alone, they cannot come in for criticism from elderly. Another clear benefit is that people can spend much time for themselves. Living on their own or in nuclear family might create chances to pursuit their hobbies such as taking up exercise and traveling instead of heavily focusing on caring for grandparent.

On the other hand, I am strongly convinced that aforementioned benefits are at the expense of greater drawbacks. One of the most significant disadvantages is that people cannot grasp profound and thorough knowledge. In large extended parent, for instance, children might obtain understanding about not only deep rooted cultures from grandparents, but also progressive opinions from siblings. In contrast, children living in small parent may not grasp chance to dig deeper into cultural values. Another fundamental shortcoming is that living alone or in small family units cannot enjoy collective experiences. A clear illustration of this is that in Tet holiday, grandparent wrap Chung cakes while mother worships ancestor and children play around, which is sacred bonding time that members in small family have never experienced.

In general, although I accept that living alone or with parents can get substantial benefits such as avoiding problems associated with generation gap and investing more in themselves, I am firmly believe that this situation may exert severe impacts including lack of knowledge and gathering.
DarthPhaedr 1 / 2 2  
Jul 21, 2019   #2
A more formal approach would be: In these days Nowadays, family structure is ...

While I accept that living ... - Avoid "I", "my", "mine", "your" in a formal essay, instead use something like: While it is believed that living separately...

On the one hand, there are definite advantages... - A Very well written paragraph with well-organised ideas

On the other hand, I am strongly convinced... - Avoid repetition, instead: However, there are aforementioned benefits that are at the expense of greater drawbacks. For instance...

In general, although I accept that ... - Try "To conclude", "In conclusion" etc instead of "In general" -

Overall, excellent vocabulary and points, I would suggest elaborating on the conclusion and correlating the points made above with your concluding statement aka convincing the reader why they should agree on your concluding statement, make use of "As mentioned..." and "Correlating this back to..."
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Jul 21, 2019   #3
@Doan Ngoc
Hello there. I'm going to provide you with writing feedback on your essay.

Firstly, I recommend trying to make concrete the structure of your content through curating more straightforward patterns of writing. Try to evade the usage of repetitive words in order to help you maximize the space that you have. By doing this, you'll be able to foster more meaningful analysis that will help readers have a more in-depth understanding of your words.

Furthermore, try to also use more vivid illustrations. You can do this through incorporating more concrete examples that'll help you emphasize more on the language that you're building and the tone that you're constructing.

Best of luck as always.
OP Doan Ngoc 1 / 1  
Jul 22, 2019   #4
@Maria
Thanks for your helpful feedback !
But can u tell me which words are repetitve ?


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