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IELTS WRITING TASK 2: whether people should increase the limit of retirement age.


kimese 1 / -  
Jul 31, 2019   #1
SOME SAY THAT BECAUSE MANY PEOPLE LIVE MUCH LONGER, THE AGE AT WHICH PEOPLE RETIRE FROM WORK SHOULD BE RAISED CONSIDERABLY. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

the idea of retirement in the longevity era



In contemporary society, that the longer retirement should be taken into consideration due to the longer life expectancy has generated a hotly debated. I partly agree with that statement for the following reasons.

The longer life expectancy is a consequence of a better welfare, medical condition,etc. Thus, working for some more years is expected by many people, however, simultaneously it raises various concerns in this day and age. Firstly, senior citizens may face to several heatlthy problems such as heart attack, dementia, ... which may harm their productivity in terms of company's benefits. Moreover, healthy problems such as these in elderly people are extremely dangerous and none of us expect that just because of working. In addition, a longer retirement generates job-hunting burdens on graduates. To clarify that, according to previous studies, a huge workforce who had finished their 4 years education could not find a job since the full of employee in firms.

However, retirement does not mean that older people are suppose to stay at home without any contributing to society. As a former skilled labour, their culmulative experiences are valuable and very helpful to young generation. It is undeniable that many experts in some areas such as profession teachers or doctors are old but they still play a key role with a huge impact in their fields. Besides, regarding in the countries which have to face with population aging, increasing limit of retirement might also considered as a solution to deal with allocated workforce.

In conclusion, in light of afore- mentioned factors, I am more convinced that increase the retirement age will do more harm than good. It is recommended that the negative influences of that tendency should be taken into serious consideration before be conducted.

please evalute and give the possible band score for my essay.

s410377088 11 / 22 4  
Aug 1, 2019   #2
hi~

There are quite a lot of grammatic problems in your articles such as spelling, word usage, and sentence coherence. You should first read more articles to improve your basic English skills.

The argument of the "a longer retirement generates job-hunting ..." part is not quite convincing to me, maybe you should change a way to express it.
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Aug 2, 2019   #3
@kimese
Hi! I'm here to welcome you to the forum and provide you with writing feedback on your essay.

I agree with the prior comment that you've committed quite a number of fundamental mistakes. No worries. These are all easily to be adjusted to if you can focus more on enhancing your writing style from the core. If you can grasp these basic details, you'll be able to fortify your writing style a lot more.

Try to take it step by step. One of the primary things you can do is, of course, try to utilize simpler sentence structures that follow the subject-predicate patterns. Simplification will trim down unnecessary phrases, making your writing more efficient in relaying information.

Take smaller chunks of text instead of the larger ones you already have now.


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