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"People just keep changing"; What motivates people to change? For SAT

HarmonSa 6 / 13  
Nov 3, 2009   #1
I'm gonna have my SAT this Saturday and I really need your help. I took one in October but only got 7 for my essay!My godness!!! Please can somebody help me handle this?

Assignment: What motivates people to change?

Time neve stops elapsing, the earth forever continues moving around and people just keep changing. The third evolution of technology has pushed mankind to an epoch which develops so rapidly that humans have possessed powers they could never imagine before.; With the use of solar energy and nuclear power, even Issac Newton would be shocked if he were still alive today. At the sametime, people's ethos and nomes of morality have changed, too.

Psychologists believe that society is the foundation of our exsistence, so when talking about what motivates us to change, the situation we are in should be considered, for a great part. When Robinson comes to the isolated island, his living styles change at first. No any Gentlemen's activities, what occupies his mind now is soley drudgery. Harvesting fruit, planting corns, making ceramics, he is doing everything that he could never do in Britain in order to survive. Next, when he discovers the footprint, the exigent circumstances force him to push away the fear to carnival savages and calm him down to react to it. So in the end, the cruel conditions on the island convert a gentleman from Britain to a composed and bold soldier.

Inner spirit, however, is a counterpart to the outter environment and should be included in the factors. In the past, the flame of Bruno's sacrifice for Helio-centric theory, a token of a craving for truth and innovation, lit up the darkness in Eruope at that time. People started to see the world in a scientific way and knowledge began to take the place of religion. For now, Einstein's theory of relativity has broken the fetters of Newton's classical mechanics and our cognizance to the world has then leaped so much. In the future, people's sprit for ascertainment will still guide humans to evolve and change.

When I'm writing this, I fist feel that it's a bit hard for me to write a good beginning and a satisfying denouement. Vocabulary is not a problem, but when I read my sentences I sometimes feel they are too discrete not as a whole. Moreover, I think the link between different paragraphs are still a bit rough; I feel like a pause when I finishes my first paragraph and starts to read the second. Thanks a million for your help!

By the way, I will write 1 essay per day until the test day, so I can really appreciate it if you guys can help me improve my writing skills day after day. Thanks a lot!! HarmonSa

Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Nov 4, 2009   #2
First of all your thesis does not answer the prompt.

At the sametime, people's ethos and nomes of morality have changed, too.

When Robinson comes to the isolated island, his living styles change at first.

^You have to introduce Robinson. Otherwise the reader has to infer from the rest of your paragraph who he is.

Psychologists believe that society is the foundation of our exsistence...

^Actually this whole paragraph is just really confusing. What footprint?

You are lucky that you got a 7 on the essay. This essay has a thesis that is not a thesis and poor structure. SAT readers are usually more inclined to give you at least an 8 if you organize your essay into the standard intro, body paragraphs, conclusion. Your conclusion must be identifiable as a conclusion. It has to sum up your points in the body paragraphs, it doesn't even need to be fancy, just something like "people are motivated to change because of *insert the main ideas in your body paragraphs*" normally if you are not a strong writer you go for 2 or 3 body paragraphs, few people can pull off 1 body paragraph and get a high score.
reedlingo - / 4  
Nov 4, 2009   #3
When you write your essay, you'd do yourself a big favor and save some time by not writing so ornately. The CollegeBoard people don't want purple prose.

You really don't have a thesis statement - at least, if you do, it's buried and very subtle. "Ethos and nomes of morality?" What are "nomes," and what does morality have to do with the prompt? Call me a country bumpkin, but I just don't get it.

The second paragraph - sadly, I haven't read Robinson Crusoe (*dodges random flying objects*) so I was a bit baffled. You should assume that the graders haven't read it either, because if they haven't, they won't get anything out of your example unless you take care to explain the situation. Also, echoing the other person that replied, you need to introduce Robinson ("in Daniel Defoe's 'Robinson Crusoe,'...).

The third paragraph is just kind of confusing, and I really had no idea what you were trying to say. Bruno? Helio-centric theory? I hate it when people say things like this, but throughout the whole thing it sort of seemed like you were trying to substitute substantial content with impressive vocabulary. It reads almost like stream of consciousness. o_O

You don't have a well-defined conclusion. I would suggest starting a new paragraph and elaborating on that last sentence just to solidify your thesis, which isn't clear to begin with.

After the grader reads this essay, he/she should be able to concisely sum up what your point of view was and what examples you used to support it, and I really can't. I don't doubt that you have good ideas, you just need to learn how to structure them into a coherent, cohesive composition. Even if your examples aren't the best (and who can criticize you if they aren't? You only get 25 measly minutes to write the whole thing), the graders will appreciate that you've taken care to organize them in a logical manner. Good luck - get that 12.
OP HarmonSa 6 / 13  
Nov 4, 2009   #4
Ugh, I never thought I was that bad...When knew my score I was really confused and could not understand...Now I know that...

Thank you, thank you...If I keep doing this then I will screw up in the tes day...I really appreciate your helop and I promise you in my third essay(well, I think I've made same mistakes in my second one this morning, emphasizing too much on ornate languages and paying less attention to the structure of the whole passage) I will try my best to improve it.

By the way, I think I'm lucky enough to join you,O(∩_∩)O
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 5, 2009   #5
Your first sentence is great!!

Ha ha, your cool personality is reflected in your comments before the essay. Hey, what is this semi-colon doing here:
:-) ...never imagine before.; With the...

Take that out... check spelling...

Psychologists believe that society is the foundation of our existence , so when talking about what motivates us to change, the social situation we are in should be considered. for a great part.

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