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TOEFL; In general , people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of phenomenon


hakuyo1112 6 / 9  
Feb 27, 2014   #1
Aging is an inevitable yet cruel part of human life as we all are aware of. However, on the bright side, these days people are living longer than ever before due to advancing technology on food supply, health system and hygiene care that are developed to enhance and improve people's health especially that of the disabled and the old. In this essay, I will discuss the causes of this phenomenon that is affecting our society positively.

It is an undeniable fact that food and nutrition play an indispensable role in longevity of our life span. To live healthier and most importantly longer, one must consume fresh and nutritious foods rich in vitamins. Today, even in the smallest markets in rural areas, we have plenty types of healthy foods to choose as there are now number of beauty drinks, youth vitamins and stress-relieving teas. For instance, before the democratic revolution of Mongolia in 1990s, there were only handful types of foods to consume and after the advent of democracy, variety of nutritious food and supplement increased and so did the life expectancy of Mongolian people. Furthermore, In 1990s, the life expectancy of average Mongolian person was only reaching 45 but today it is about 65.

Another aspect to consider as the cause of longevity of human aging is without a doubt, the improvements in health care system. The reason why prehistoric people perished at such a young age was due to improper cure of diseases and insufficient amount of hospitals and equipment. On the other hand, in a modern world, doctors can practically treat all diseases that were incurable before and patients are being served with a benevolent care and suitable medicines.

Moreover, we live in a new society that is requiring us to be clean and hygienic more than ever before. As we all know, it is extremely rare to see a person covered in dirt in a street full of people. For a pragmatic instance, I recently saw an old wrinkled man who was wearing filthy clothes with holes everywhere and hands covered in dirt. The reaction of crowd to this person was immensely dramatic as every passing person was staring with wide but disgusted eyes. Therefore, people are becoming more hygienic which promotes in prolonging aging process.

Taking account of all these factors, we can easily reach a conclusion that people are living longer than ever before due to nutritious food supply, better health care system and as well as increasing need of hygiene care. Even though aging is often a depressing topic to most, the world we live in now allows us to prolong our life expectancy.

fikri 5 / 317 71  
Feb 27, 2014   #2
your essay interested me to read more,but what make me confuse is, you didn't put the question, this will be better if you put the complete question/task before the essay,,
halleybachelor 16 / 25 1  
Feb 27, 2014   #3
You master grammar and choose words really well.
One suggestion I want to make is not to put "and" and "as well as" together.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 4, 2014   #4
Where is your prompt? You should have included it in the essay so that we know exactly what it means.

. In this essay, I will discuss the causes of this phenomenon that is affecting our society positively.

Well, this is implied and I feel it is not adding much value to your essay. You can move on straight to the first body para to discuss them.

Today, even in the smallest markets in rural areas, we have plenty of different types of healthy foods to choose as there are now number of beauty drinks, youth vitamins and stress-relieving teas.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Mar 4, 2014   #5
Your body paragraphs seem to be quite lengthy. Have you been able to finish this essay on time? I think you should spend not more than 25 -30 mins for this task. So practice with time and it would help you to manage time effectively at the exam.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 23, 2014   #6
Where is your prompt? You should have included it in the essay so that we know exactly what it means.

Yes, I agree
I know you write well. However, you'd better always try to include the prompt. To give relevant and reliable feedback, we need the prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing.

In this essay, I will discuss

You'd better rewrite this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of the perfect answer is much more acceptable. As a result, they use it every time when they write. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the readers at all to finish reading the essay.


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