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IELTS Writing Task I about people living in the overseas


Dioba 68 / 104 7  
Nov 28, 2016   #1
A breakdown of information about several trouble are faced by people living in overseas is shown in the bar chart and is measured in percent. All in all, 3 types of people living in overseas have the same problems and both making friends and finding live place are almost have the same percentage in people over 55.

First of all, people aged 18-34 face making friends as a problem stood at almost a half. Moreover, people over 55 have percentage lower than people aged 18-34 and 35-54 at the same problem. In the other hand, people aged 35-54 difficult to find live place have the equal percentage with people aged 18-34 approximately almost four-ten.

Moreover, people aged 18-34 face learning local language problems stood at almost three-ten. Furthermore, older they are, the percentage of people face learning local language more increase. More than a half on people over 55 have a problem in learning the local language. Establish a friend relationship, finding live place and learning the local language are several problems are faced in all types of age.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 28, 2016   #2
Dioba,
Where is the chart?

- A breakdown of the information about several troubles that are faced by people...
- All in allOverall , 3 types of people livingwho live in overseas have the same problems . (stop here, new sentence)andBoth making friends and finding live place to live are almost havehave almost the same percentage inof people over 55.

- First of all, people aged 18-34 who face making friends as a problem stoodstart at almost a half.
- Moreover, people over 55 have percentage lowerlower percentage than people...
- InOn the other hand, people aged 35-54 who feel difficult to find (...) people aged 18-34 at approximately almost four-ten.

As you can see, your essay suffered from structural problems and in dire need for improvements. Try to write a simple sentence correctly first rather than forcing yourself writing inaccurate-complex sentence like what you've done.
alfinkurnia 33 / 47  
Nov 28, 2016   #3
Hello dioba this is my correction for you.

A breakdown of information about several trouble ... >> I think is better if you using this sentence (The graph shows information about several trouble are faced by people living in overseas is shown in the bar chart and is measured in percent)

When you write in task 1, ensure you just write at least 150-165 words, if you write more words is probably decrease your band, because it can cause the wrong sentence and wasting your time.

Please using various words, don't repeat your words, it can reduce your band. thankyou


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