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Writing Task I People living in three different countries of U.S.

Ahmadham 4 / 11 7  
Apr 20, 2017   #1
The graph below shows the population change between 1940 and 2000 in three different countries in the u.s. state of Oregon

Washington, Yamhill and Columbia

The alteration of human population in three different countries in the USA state of Oregon over a 6-decade period is presented in the line chart.

Overall, the rate of human population in all countries rose over the time frame. The chart also indicates that US citizens were more interested in living in Washington.

In 1940, 75 thousand Americans lived in Washington, twice higher than those living in both Yamhill and Columbia only accounting for 30 and 29. Thirty years later followed a similar trend when a gradual increase by around 50 saw in the number of citizens of Washington while a very slightly growth only witnessed in the rate of people in Yamhill and Columbia.

By 2000, there had been a marked rise to almost double in the quantity of people in Washington whereas the citizens of Yamhill and Columbia had increased slightly to approximately 90 for the former and around 75 for the latter. This made Washington as a city with by far the most density population at the end of the period.

okorobiadimma14 6 / 82 50  
Apr 21, 2017   #2
Ahmad, it would serve better if you post the whole prompt of your essay alongside your draft so that we will know the basis upon which your response is assessed. That said, I will assess your current draft in hope the the prompt takes similar format of the Writing task 1 question. It is important to be careful when paraphrasing the prompt of your essay so that you do not end up changing the entire idea or information in the graph or chart provided. The task 1 is usually a test of your ability to factually interpret, summarize, compare and/or contrast between the information provided. The paraphrase employed in your current draft did not go well with the information in the prompt, probably due to wrong choice of word. You could improve the current opening statement, if you do not want to change it entirely, by starting the statement as follows: 'The line chart presents the alteration in...'. You can join the first and second supposedly paragraphs (which they are not) so as to create a real paragraph since they are somewhat introductory. You were not able to put what you have mind on paper in the third paragraph. 'Rate' can not be used for human. It is wrong to say 'rate of people' but you can say 'rate of population growth'. 'Quantity' as an adjective can not be used to qualify 'people' as in '...quantity of people' but 'number of people' is usable. You also did not include an important and obvious feature on the chart which is relative similarity in growth rate of the population in Yamhill and Colombia compared to that of Washington. Overall, your essay met the 150 minimum word criteria and I must commend your ability to capture the information in the chart. You only need to keep practicing so as to learn more on how to communicate your interpretation to the examiner.
NurulNaval 1 / 2 1  
Apr 21, 2017   #3
From the grammatical side, a partical is missing "human" should be "a human". The "quantity " word seem not match with the sentences, you need to state "number instead of quantity"

For 1st paragraph : Need to revise the Paraphrase, you just change the structure from active to passive, try to use a synonim or advance vocab to increase the writing score.

For 2nd paragraph : Overview, you need to explain the trend of the chart generally.
For the 3rd and 4th paragraph there is not major issue. However, it will be better if you use linking words to beutify the sentences.

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