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Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? SAT June 2011

Dawn01 19 / 33  
Jul 18, 2015   #1
Please grade my essay out of 12 and give me some feedbacks.


Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive.
People think that to hide one's thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts
or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.
Adapted from J. David Velleman, "The Genesis of Shame"

Assignment: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

People wonder why we should make secret all our tendencies, feelings and thoughts in order to drown in privacy and mystery so that no one can invade our personal territory. For me, I believe that it is both unreasonable and short sighted to put a massive effort for saving privacy.

Nietzsche once said: "Silence is worse. All truths that are silent become poisonous". Besides, It's completely human to confess and to express our deepest thoughts and feelings. So, I think that people should pour out their emotions because it can unveil a secret treasure and put in light a pool of talents. In fact, those who demonstrate in public their meditations tend to pocess a strong-will, courage and pride. They are the ones who dare to point to their own mistakes and sins as well as their skills and insights. They are bold enough to put their unique fingerprint not only in their community but, also, in the human history. As a matter of fact, poets, philosophers, men of art and scientists were at a young age the worst criticizers to themselves. They were afraid and shun showing off their talents in order to avoid disdain and mockery, but when they speak up and face the world with the fruit of their meditation, all the humanity can't help but take a bow and applaud. At the other side, people who hide, pretend and avoid self-expressing moments will stay in the shadow of other's opinion, chased with fear, hallucinations and despair. At this stage, shame will kill their uniqueness and prodigy. Those thoughts are the truths that are kept away from the eyes. Those feelings and inculcations could turn to some art master pieces or to a ground-breaking scientific theory or to a witty philosophy. But, unfortunately, these ideas were hidden and that's why they are poisonous.

I can summarize by asserting that spending a huge effort to keep away a blade from the best workmanship which is human's thoughts and feelings,

is foolish because it deprive humanity from an expression that can be a boon for the world.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jul 19, 2015   #2
I can help to assist you. I will suggest some needed changes to your essay. When you state that you are going to put a massive effort for privacy. I think you should state, "put forth a massive effort to save one's privacy."

When you use the word "Besides", you should put the word it's in all lowercase letters. I think you should describe what put into light a pool of talent means. I have heard of shed light on matters.

I am going to suggest replacing meditations with thoughts or innermost thoughts. Delete "the" before human. When you speak about poets and philosophers remember to put your verbs in the past tense. For example, shun, speak, and can't should be in the past tense.

Instead of using the transition, At the other side, you should use "On the other hand".

I think the summary could be better. When you state I can summarize, you could simply state "In summary". I would give this essay a 9. If you have more sentences in your summary and with corrections, it could raise the score to 11.
vikey168 2 / 1  
Jul 20, 2015   #3
replace meditations with thoughts
last sentence - say that these ideas might become poisonous
lastly say a blade hidden from the best workmanship would eventually get rusted which when used lately causes serious and poisonous wounds
10 u can improve a bit

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