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IELTS essay, more people are migrating to other countries than ever before


phuoc 7 / 13 4  
Nov 17, 2013   #1
Please comment on my essay below. Many thanks

Nowadays, more people are migrating to other countries than ever before. In order to become integrated into society in their adopted countries, immigrants should abandon their old ways and adapt to local customs and codes of behaviour. Do you agree or disagree?

The last 50 years have seen an increasing number of immigrants to other countries. People moved due to a number of reasons, namely better educations or higher salary jobs. Some people thought that they should follow the local customs in order to integrate into their adopted countries' cultures. However I strongly believe that they are able to sustain their cultural identities and doing so help they keep their origin values.

Firstly, maintaining one's cultural identity is a key important rule to help individuals emerge in the new multicultural environments. Take Australia for example, immigrants from varieties of nations have a day called multicultural day where people from each country prepare their food and traditional activities for displaying in the public venues. Many Australians come this day to enjoy the shows, learn about the cultures and admire the diverse values. These feedbacks, in turn, help raise one's pride of their cultures and help people understand each other more. Thus this makes it clear that sustaining the cultural values of immigrants is paramount essential.

Secondly, it is crucial to keep one's identity for they need a connection back to their country as well as teach their children their value of origin. For instance, children immigrated to a new country will face social troubles in school with new friends. In this new environment, parent should find friends coming from their same country so that they can socialize in a very familiar manner as feeling being home. Fail to create this familiarity makes them felt isolated, in the extreme can lead to social disorder like autism. Hence, it is clear that keeping the cultural traditions in the destination countries is tremendous important.

To conclude, although there are opposing ideas of neglecting one's cultural values to adapt in the new cultures. As far as I am concerned, sustaining the traditions will make the immigrated people keep their cultural identity and give them confident among the many culture society.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 18, 2013   #2
The last 50fifty years have seen an increasing number of immigrants to other countries.

....better use letter in essay writing

People moved due to a number of reasons, namely better educations or higher salary jobs

.... when you say "a number of reasons" you generally expects the number to be larger than two. So, let's say this a little differently;

People migrate to other countries due to various reasons, especially for educational and career purposes.

Some peoplethoughtthink that they should follow the local customs in order to integrate into their adopted countries' cultures.

... this is an ongoing trend, so keep it in present tense, not past tense.

However I strongly believe that they are able to sustain their cultural identities and doing so help they can keep their origin values.

good thesis statement :)
pakias 5 / 14  
Nov 18, 2013   #3
In the conclusion, you wrote although.... . This sentence is incomplete. The sentence structure goes like this: Although... , ... . Other than that the essay is great!


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