People being monitored are often unaware that this is happening - what you think about this?

note: I'm aiming for a 7.5-8.0 writing so please comment and show me every mistake that I made or anything I could have done better; and what band my writing is. thank you

Q:

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

You should write at least 250 words.

A:

Nowadays, technologies such as CCTVs, cell phone tracking and spywares are constantly being used to monitor what people are doing, saying, sometimes even thinking. Most of the time, people are unawared of their privacy being neglected. In my perspective, the action of monitoring people comes with many consequences, some as positive results but many of them turn out to be harmful.

On one side, people are arguing as follow: "If you don't do anything illegal, you have nothing to be afraid of". That is a reasonable argument to justify for the monitoring from governments to track and intercept criminal activities, sometimes even before it had a chance to happen. Governmental monitorizations has saved billions of dollars and thousands of people every year.

But on the other side, not only governments are monitoring and tracking people, companies and criminals have also been doing that. Technology giants such as Google or Facebook has been tracking their users' location, spying on their messages and phone calls since the early days of the new borned industry. Their personal information (also known as data), often times synthesized into folders or profiles, consists of the user's name, ID, hobbies, in some cases, even social security numbers. These data are then sold to the marketing companies better target their potential customers and advertise more effectively. These companies' actions may benefit themselves and advertisers but it is very unethical to sell people free products (Google search, Facebook is free) and then use them as the product to monetize. Not only does this severely violate users' privacy rights, it also encourages illegal activities targeted to individuals such as scams, blackmailing, even manipulate their activities and mindset using buy-able data sets leaked on the internet.

All in all, despite some positive effects that the use of technologies to monitor people has done to the community, the overall result is that the disadvantages have completely out-runned the advantages. Actions should be taken as soon as possible to limit the ability to monitor people and protect citizens' civil rights to have their own privacy and not under surveilance without the evidence of possible crime activities

No such word. The word is simply "unaware", specially when describing an ongoing action.


Wrong word usage. Neglected means to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight. Rather their privacy is violated, surveilled, spied on, to name but a fun proper synonyms for what you are trying to say.

* LR problem is evident. Vocabulary familiarity should be improved.



Improper discussion format ' English comprehension skills are failing in terms of understanding the writing instruction :


You wrote a comparative essay for a single opinion presentation. Agreement with both sides is not an option. Either you fully support and explain the advantages or disadvantages. There is no comparison cue (discuss both paints of view) in the instruction so it is a singular belief explanation essay.

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