Topic: More and more people are moving away from an agriculture background to relocate in cities in order to look for work. What will be the consequences of this? What solutions can you offer?
development in rural areas is necessary
Nowadays, people prefer working in urban area to farming in their hometown. This trend will raise the issue of overpopulation in some megacities. This pressing problem challenges the authorities' ability to create more jobs and attract people to settle in country side.
Indeed, overpopulation in urban areas straining city infrastructure, as public transportations, roads and housing will not be able to meet demands. Infrastructure take time and money to progress which is not at the same rate as people migrant to big cities. The result can be seen in traffic jam, raise in house rent price, quickly damaged roads and so forth. In addition, needs for basic necessities can be exceeded cities' ability to supply. For example, there may not enough fresh water and electricity for all households. Shortage in necessities will affect citizens' life quality and hurt the economy. As the number of rural migrants raise due to people seeking jobs, authorities need to ensure the balance between urban and rural employment.
To tackle this problem, government should make long-sighted improvement in country sides such as improve in infrastructure and create more jobs. The main attraction of big cities is they have more job opportunities with higher standard wages. Therefore, improvement in infrastructure can encourage companies and manufactures to be opened in these areas. As quality of life and salary rates are improved, people are more likely to stay in their hometown than migrant to urban centre.
In conclusion, overpopulation due to migrant rates can causes catastrophic consequences, government need to address this problem by long-term development in rural areas.
Thank for reading!Hi Vu, these are my thoughts for improvements of your writing. Hopefully, my suggestions can help you.
Firstly, your thesis statement to describe your mind about the solution in the first paragraph should use proper introductory sentence. It seemed that the sentence is a force done because of effects of the circumstance, whereas the prompts asks solution offers. Following this, in the second paragraph, you are supposed to show logic flow to review what you argue about the case. There is a gap when you mentioned needing time and money, and house rent price. You should associate problems and effect from transmigration. Besides, it's better that you focus on what you elucidate because you reviewed many topic in the first body paragraph, including economic sector. However, you have not explained those in depth.
Actually, your ideas in the second body paragraph is good, but you still need improvement to deliver you idea. You can get achieving the task respond if you could display you ideas systematically. For basic explanation, you are supposed to write your solution and then you include your reason why it can be successfully implicated so that you can strengthen your opinion.
I hope these can improve your writing skill. GOOD LUCK
@akbarmappiare
Thank you for your feedback!
This definitely help me a lot. I'll try to improve how i deliver my ideas.
Thank you!
I'd like to make some grammartical points:
Paragraph 2: Infrastructure takes time ... progress, which ... as people migrant (It is a noun..migrate should be the right expression.)to big cities.
... traffic jam, raiserise in house ...
In addition, needs for basic necessities ... (Maybe this sentence can be expressed in active voice). For example, there may not be enough ...
Hi Vu, You should address what are you about to do to the reviewer in your essay by providing the instruction in your opening so that it would be smoother.
I agree with Akbar that you should focus on matching up the solutions to its causes that you have mentioned in your essay. There are many good ideas that you have placed in one single paragraph which had been waiting for you to develop them fully. If you can divide them as at least two paragraphs, it could increase the chance of getting a higher score.
In your conclusion, you supposed to restate your main ideas to it.
Hope that helps.
