Here are some of my recommendations for you :)
1. You should include the type of task you are doing, e.g: IELT Task 2, TOEFL,... So it would be easier for us to assess
2. Your essay seem too long. If that's an Ielts writing, would you be able to handle in 40 mins?
In today's world, Having a good job is everyone's aim because it will have a good impression on people's lifeWhat do you mean by having good impression? Is that having positive impacts? .
As far as I am concerned, there are two different ideas about this question . Some people believe that secure job will satisfy everyone's expectations about job and they should accept this kind of job offers. WhileMeanwhile , others believe otherwise. I subscribe to the latter one, and there are several reasons to name. Three of which-that is-more motivation(I'm afraid this phrase is not academic enough) , higher income, and more security, are the most conspicuous ones.
Secure job is not motivating certainly. In a career which is secure but not motivating, people will not reach success because they do not tend to spend their time
toon improving the quality of their performance in the job.
My cousin whose children is at school age has not had a job since 3 years ago. 2 years ago, he was invited to an interview for a job which income was not high enough to handle a family. He refused to accept their invitation. One year later, he found a job with high income. It changed his life completely. He calculated recently that if he would accept the first job, he should work 5 months to have income equal to the latter one in a month.
Well your example is a bit long :) And too much uneccessary details. You can write: My cousin, who wisely refused a low-income job a couple of years ago, is now rewarded with a better one, of which salary is 5 times as much as the previous offers.
By this, I mean someone who wants to be on his or her own career, should try hard enough
to notnot to to lose it.
On the other hand, even in a secure job, if someone works lazily, he or she will be hired. I can remember that my uncle was hired by a company, which promised him to support him for his whole life, because he was so late in the morning.
Really? Is there any situation like this? Well I think you should not include this kind of idea in your essay, perhaps it will cause confusion. You'd better provide some general cases, it would be better I think?
All in all,
to sum up what I've outlined above, motivation, income, and security are key factors for everyone who wants to select a career. These factors can bring some one to a situation which can be more satisfied with his or hertheir own life.
Well, you have used too many words as I have said, you should use more academic ones to curtail your essay. Hope that will help :)