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Today people are not polite to each other, but why to blame; the world if full of fierce competition


Clare 3 / 3  
Sep 26, 2015   #1
TOEFL: In the busy and crowded world today, we should not expect people to be polite to each other.

I am preparing my second TOEFL test , I really appreciate that if someone could give me some feedbacks on my essay to help boost my scores!

Here is the essay:

Contemporary society is filled with opportunities and fierce competition, which also arouses a heated debate over the relationships among people. A general belief holds that people are too busy and stressful to maintain good connections with others. Another popular view, however, asserts that politeness is still necessary. To my knowledge, the latter can hold water. The primary reasons are threefold.

Granted, some may claim we cannot expect people to be polite to others, on account of that most of the people are undertaking a lot of pressure and facing a large amount of issues in their busy daily life, for instance, they need to cope with the complex personal relationships and receive the comments from the others, which means mankind are easy to be upset and distracted in that case. Therefore, it is reasonable to be rude to others. Be that as it may, a closer examination will reveal a crucial fact being overlooked in this case. That is, rather than solving this problem, this behavior is highly likely to cause more harms than benefits per se. To be more specific, people's stressful problems always belong to themselves. That means they should solve them by other ways, such like breeding their own particular habits to relax themselves or talking with their friends, even exercise may be helpful. For that reason, it is evident that human beings cannot be rude to the people around them just because they are facing problems. Thus, it is not an optimistic development that offers long term benefits.

In addition, nowadays ideal relationships between people are pretty vital for personal development, which means the rudeness may leave unfavorable impression to others. To be more specific, it's harmful to sustain friendly connections with other people, and this brings forth the worse of the human personal relations. Additionally, the more accomplishment the society obtain, the more communication and cooperation will exist between the people and, as a result, the more crucial for mankind to extend their social circles. In another word, politeness and preferable personalities are more necessary to get along well with others and meet more friends. This fact further leads to more opportunities, which means people are readily to develop better in the future.

Furthermore, when people are polite to each other, both of them are more likely to sustain enjoyable moods, on account of that the disturbance and the distractions from the bad mood may decline. Hence, their effectiveness may increase. In that case, people will finish their work or study faster than before, and, thus, people may communicate and cooperate even better. What's more, the primary benefit of politeness lies in the improvement of family member's relationships. This owes to that politeness can bring well-found communications and solve some problems between family members, as a direct consequence of that, breeds more harmonious family atmosphere.

To sum up, from what have been discussed above, it is safe to come to a conclusion that politeness between people is necessary.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 26, 2015   #2
Shang, you wrote a pretty good essay. However, the prompt that you responded to in your essay does not really apply to the prompt that was originally given. You kind of misunderstood the prompt. You were being asked to discuss whether it is correct to accept that people should not be expected to be polite to each other anymore, not whether politeness is important in our current time. The TOEFL test is all about English comprehension. The minute you make a mistake in your restatement of the thesis and do not give the correct response to the prompt, then you will have automatically failed the test.Regardless of the misunderstanding, I will tell you that there is a portion of the essay that actually began to respond to the prompt in the proper manner. I decided to pick it out of your original essay to show you which part I am talking about. It is this portion:

Granted, some may claim we cannot expect people to be polite to others, on account of that most of the people are undertaking a lot of pressure and facing a large amount of issues in their busy daily life, for instance, they need to cope with the complex personal relationships and receive the comments from the others, which means mankind are easy to be upset and distracted in that case. Therefore, it is reasonable to be rude to others

Do you see how this paragraph works very well in restating the prompt and giving an overview of the discussion that you should have made in the next paragraphs? If you had continued arguing the essay along these lines, you would have successfully responded to the prompt :-)

So what can we do to fix this problem? Look at the reasons that you used to justify the rudeness of people to one another. Take each reason and discuss those as separate paragraphs. Completely discuss each reason in 3-5 sentences. You will need to revise your conclusion as well. Keep the response at 3-5 lines because you only have 30 minutes to respond to the essay prompt. Keeping your response short but informative is of the utmost importance during the actual test.

I look forward to reading your revision. I tried to explain the prompt question to you as best as I could. I hope I was able to help :-)


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