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TOEFL Essay: Some people prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company.


smmmmi 1 / 2  
Feb 1, 2014   #1
Each person starts his or her life as an independent person from it's family at around age eighteen. This can only happen if the individual has a way to earn some income for living. Some people start with taking positions in companies, while others go trying to find a way to go into a business for themselves. The way I prefer is in a third group from the two mentioned where I can explain it in three stages.

At first, taking positions in different companies is not an easy task in my country, Iran. You must have some special features for being accepted in a position. Although there are some low level work with low wage, but that will not always support enough to make an easy life. Besides it will also have hard physical work involved with it every day. But even after being a specialist someone might still have its problems finding a good job due to the world economical crisis. Besides, the earnings in such systems never go higher than some predefined rates.

Second, going into a business for oneself is not an easy task. It requires having a good financial support and great experience in the ups and downs of the market. Even sometimes when having both of mentioned requirements, some unknown conditions may come up as a result of governmental decisions or other countries economy. But when looking at the overall income which is gained in a business for oneself, it is the best choice on the table.

Third, will be a business which starts its roots in some private company job positions. This position will not be doing usual tasks of its own. Instead it will be accomplishing ones given tasks plus having a greater view of how a company earns great outcome. Whit an open mind towards seeking how the company handles its problems in the market. Gathering such information may not be easy at first, but within small businesses information cannot be withheld for ever. After reaching such an experience in a small company, one can easily start its own business and become successful in it.

Having everything said and done, the best way for earning money will be going into a business for oneself. This may not be reached easily and needs to having a start to get the financial and experimental requirements from taking a position in small companies. But not for ever. After getting everything one can start his own business and be successful in it.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 1, 2014   #2
Hi there...,

You are good at writing. I like the way you compose the idea. However, I have a few details to share. Here are they:

low level work

... The word "low' here is an adjective which modifies the word "Level". I think you'd better put a hyphen in between low and level. Low-level work

the overall income which is gained in ...

If you put "gain(ed)" here as a verb/ an adjective, then it should be followed by Preposition "from". However, the word of "gain" as a noun will work harmoniously together with in/from/for

Third, will be a business which starts its

... this phrase should be turned into a sentence, so you need to put a subject before will be

I also notice slight problems in spellings and punctuation marks, but overall this writing has showed a good composition :)

Thanks.
OP smmmmi 1 / 2  
Feb 1, 2014   #3
Hi,
Thanks for the review. I just put this as a start. I am preparing for the TOEFL.
I also have some of my essays at: testbig(dot)com/users/smmmmi .
Regards,
smmmmi
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 3, 2014   #4
The way I prefer is in a third group from the two mentioned where I can explain it in three stages.

.... I find some abrupt phrases in your writing. They are a bit awkward and damage your flow. Also, it is better if you conclude your introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion.
OP smmmmi 1 / 2  
Feb 3, 2014   #5
I will keep that in mind.
Thanks


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