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[IELTS Writing Task 2] - Some people propose that smoking should be banned completely

Please check and score my essay. I'd be really thankful!

Some people propose that smoking should be banned completely. What's your opinion?
Give reasons to your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

Here is my essay

people's attitude toward smoking

Recently, people's attitude toward smoking has significantly altered. The habit once considered elegant of high-end people is now regarded as a bad habit. I completely side with people who suggest that smoking should be strictly prohibited.

First of all, smoking is proved to have links with lung cancer and other cardiac diseases. WHO has released a report indicating that smokers have noticeable shorter life span than those who do not smoke, approximately up to ten years, as they are more likely to experience fatal illness. Moreover, people who smoke get more chances of giving birth to children with deficiencies. It should also be noticed that not only smoking affects people who smoke, passive smokers, those inhale secondhand smoke suffer as well. It is evident that the rate of non-smokers suffering from smoking-related diseases is even higher than that of smokers.

Secondly, strict prohibition of smoking can save up a large amount of money for the government and related authorities. Many people argue that tobacco industry is one of the key contributors to the national economy, as the taxes imposed on such industry is extremely high. However, the cost that the government has to pay to proceed medical research and to address problems arising from smoking is much greater than those collected.

In conclusion, I advocate the opinion opposing of smoking and convinced that the government should completely ban smoking due to the hazardous consequences it might bring to human's well-being, as well as the fact it would gradually hurt the national economy.

Jul 14, 2017   #2
Chantel, your body paragraphs for the defense of your stance is perfect. It is within the required sentence number per paragraph and shows a logical thought development followed by a cohesive presentation of ideas in each paragraph. If you can, I would like you to work on creating transition sentences for the end of your paragraph body so that you can create a more fluid flow of discussion into the next paragraph instead of the abrupt change in topic discussions that you now present.

As for the negatives of your paper, there are a few that I have to point out. The first is that the opening statement does not accurately represent the prompt requirement. Here an example of a proper prompt paraphrase for this paper (make sure to follow the example for the rest of your practice papers):

Smoking is an activity that has been enjoyed by many people through the centuries. However, there has been a recent rise in the discussion as to whether smoking should be banned completely or not. In my opinion, smoking should be completely banned. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons that I feel justify my support for a total smoking ban.

You need to make sure that you properly introduce the topic for discussion, the opinions presented in the essay, and what sort of discussion is to follow (personal opinion). These comprise the essay outline that serve to help the reader understand what kind of essay discussion they are to expect from you. The way that you present the paraphrased prompt will also be used to determine your ability to understand, analyze, and follow English instructions.

Your conclusion is improper because it is to be used as a discussion summary at the end of the essay. This is to be composed of a minimum of 3 sentences as well. Not a single paragraph as you have now. Your task in the conclusion is to restate the prompt, summarize the important discussion points, then present a closing sentence to signify that the essay discussion is complete. Do not present new information in the conclusion because that will turn it into another body paragraph instead of a closing commentary.
In my opinion, I think your essay is very very good with complex grammar here. I've learned a lot from you. Just one thing I want to add to your essay is that in the introduction, I think you should add one more sentence to show what you are going to discuss in the next 2 paragraphs so it is easy to know your purpose why you side with smoking should be prohibited
@tunglinh0907@daiha20082009 Thank you for your responses!

@thuy_nguyet I think there's no maximum limit to the length of your essay. Just write as long as you want to but make sure you have adequate time to check your work before handing your paper.

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