Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

GRE essay-As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems,


tito 1 / -  
Jul 5, 2014   #1
As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position

Man has improved and innovated from time to time {from "time to time" sounds odd in this context} to make his work and life easier,starting from the invention of wheel.{this makes it sound like the wheel was the very first invention or when innovation began - what about fire or the stone ax? Maybe you can say "all the way back from when our ancestors began banging rocks together to create tools} Thanks to the industrial revolution which helped us to cut down laborious work which the machines do now. {this is not a complete sentence also "the" sounds a bit odd here] The steam engines [of the past] have now transformed into electromagnetic bullet trains[,] which can take you to another town/city in just few minutes. The advent of [the] telephone has made communication over long distances easier. And we are now in an era where,{no comma} almost everyone possesses a cellphone[, ] which was used only by the elite a few years ago.The internet boom has got the world even closer as sharing information and technology has become faster. Gadgets are becoming more and more compact and have better performance.Discovery and research on various medicines and vaccines has eradicated the deadliest of diseases like small pox [ and] polio. People have mapped the human genome and have cultured tissues to replace the damaged ones[; ]infertile couples can now get babies through IVF .We could observe from these examples that people have adapted to changing technology and inculcated it in their everyday lives which could save their time and energy. {To me this intro reads just like a list of inventions, and if this last sentence is your thesis statement, it really doesn't address the prompt very directly}

The current generation Y or the Millenials experienced the most drastic evolution in technology which makes them the most rel[iant] on technology compared to the older generations.{this seems more like what your thesis should be} What the older generations did with pen and paper ,the younger ones could do the same on a computer and much faster. From [the] stock market to [the] super market, almost everything is computerized. But what the young generation is missing is the ability to apply their cognitive skills to get the task done. The quote ,"This is the generation with smart phones and dumb people" is probably true.The brain is also a machine [that] which needs to be utilized[; ] otherwise, it will lose its ability to perform efficiently. This problem has been termed as 'digital dementia' by the experts who observed in young [ J]apanese children the disability{"the inability" or "a reduced ability"} to learn and write a language because of autocorrect ,the software which helps in guessing the language and corrects misspelled words. Experts say that because of this reliance on technology [, which] sometimes might be addiction[, ] can lead to more usage of the left brain [while] and the right remains untapped[, ] which means the person can only think mechanically and his/her cognitive skills and creativity would be degraded. Young people nowadays are always enthusiastic to capture moments and share it [them] on twitter,facebook, instagram {capitalize these} etc., but they are missing [the opportunities] to live and experience the moment.

In the above two paragraphs I have presented a list of facts which are contradicting but through these I would like to conclude that Man should be the master of the machine not vice versa. Technology should be used only to solve higher end problems and should help man to think beyond the possible.

TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Feb 20, 2015   #2
Hi, I did not think your format and organization was very effective. I couldn't really tell what was your introduction and what was your thesis statement, or main idea. You didn't really "connect the dots" to show why all the modern technology you talk about (I think talk about too much :) ) reduces our ability to "apply cognitive skills". Maybe this technology has gotten rid of the rote tasks and given us more time to think - maybe the spell check software lets us focus on the creative side of writing instead of having to worry about spelling the words right. I think there is a good point to be made that technology is hurting our thinking skills, but I think you could have been more convincing.
EF_Stacey - / 3 4  
Feb 20, 2015   #3
You have a great start and some very interesting information! Generally, the order in which you present your information is relatively good, although the presentation of human innovations is a bit choppy at times. My primary suggestion is that you introduce your main points in separate paragraphs to very clearly show that you have included the requested information (e.g. your agreement/disagreement with the statement; arguments supporting your opinion). Your examples of human innovation are all relevant, but you might want to select just a few examples and provide a little more information about each one. Then you can tie them to your reasoning for coming to your conclusion about the title statement.

Also, you touch on cognitive ability and brain functioning, which is great to support your opinion. Add more! Those points directly relate to your position and will make your argument stronger. Connect your examples to the ways the statement might hold true or be proven unlikely.

For now, I think additional information will help you tie the innovations you cite to your conclusion. It should help you organize the essay more easily so that you have a concise introduction and conclusion, with your supporting information in between.

Grammar and punctuation is pretty good and can be corrected relatively easily once you add information and get your essay organized the way you want it to. Keep doing what you're doing!


Home / Writing Feedback / GRE essay-As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems,