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IELTS;More & more people are relying on private cars as their major means of transport


agi 13 / 30 4  
Feb 12, 2014   #1
this essay is to describe some of the problems over reliance on cars and offer at least on possible solution,

Invention of automobile was one of the most applauded creation of humankind history. There was the time that everyone want to drive a car once in their life as it was their most wanted dream. However, some people are blaming a car for the number of issue like death, air pollution, traffic jam and so on. In this essay, i will examine the complicated problems arisen by car and explore a way to tackle down the problem.

To begin with, inventions we created are in return on the way to destroy us, even car is not exemption. Everyone want to possess cars because of its privacy and comfort. To compared with public transport vehicles, drivers can create own private atmosphere and can arrange the timetable and schedule on their own. As a consequence, undesirable issue was created that traffic jam. If we count number of time spent in our life, figure could be intimating. Moreover, smoke car emits is the main reason of air pollution, especially in the developing countries. For example, In Delhi, the amount of car's smoke was reached to disastrous level and as a result, respiratory health system was heavily damaged among youth and elders.

Key to overcome a the problem is to encourage public to take public transport vehicles like bus, tram and metro. If people choose to not drive in short distance, city would be free of traffic congestion. Therefore, level of pollution will be reduced once people rely on public vehicles and number of car accidents, injures and other damages caused by cars would be disappear.

Another prominent solution is to increase public awareness of healthy walking. Walking is the most replacement of car in the not long distance and even beneficial to general condition of body.

In the conclusion, i would like to highlight the importance of public transport and walking for substitution of car. It creates healthy environment and has good impact on our health.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 12, 2014   #2
First, I wish you include the prompt in your post together with the essay as it helps us fully understand what it requires from you. So make it a habit to have the prompt on top of your essay :)

There was the time that everyone wanted to drive a car once in their life as it was their most wanted dream.

.... I feel this sentence is a better hook for your essay.

However, some people are blaming a car for the number of issue like death, air pollution, traffic jam and so on.

I am pretty sure this is not what your prompt meant. As I understand from your title, it is that more and more people rely on their private vehicles as means of transportation and you are requested to discuss the issues relating to that and also to suggest possible measures. So, you need to educate the reader about the background of this issue.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Feb 12, 2014   #3
Well, you should include the full prompt with your essay so that we can provide you with more meaningful comments.

some people are blaming a car

blaming cars

the number of issue

a number of serious issues

death

traffic accidents

To begin with, inventions we created are in return on the way to destroy us, even car is not exemption. Everyone want to possess cars because of its privacy and comfort. To compared with public transport vehicles, drivers can create own private atmosphere and can arrange the timetable and schedule on their own.

It's better to open your body paragraph with problems that are caused by cars. I feel that these sentences do not add more value to your essay.

If we count number amount of time spent in our life

Do you mean the amount of time we use cars?

Moreover, smoke car emits

car engine emissions

the main reason of

the main reason for

For example, In Delhi,

Delhi is not a country. You had better link your example with your previous sentence.

was reached to

reached

choose to not drive

choose not to drive

in the not long distance

in a short distance
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Mar 3, 2014   #4
In the conclusion, i would like to highlight the importance of public transport and walking for substitution of car. It creates healthy environment and has good impact on our health.

You write well. However, it is nicer if you could construct the concluding paragraph with this following structure:

This is the pattern for the concluding paragraph. Hopefully, this works well.
THE CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH
This has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1 a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)


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