In this modern era, humans -being have invented thousand of helpful inventions to improve the quality of our life. Creating a new invention or making our dreams come true, we have to work hard every day from the morning until night but the salary is still not increased more have a promotion, and that is the reason why we choose to explore the world more by taking extreme activities. They called it a "wonderful experience" to try at least once in our life. In addition, they feel bored since their work keeps repeated like a circulation, it does not have new ideas or fascinating points to make them feel enthusiastic to increase their productivity. Nowadays, we can see that there are plenty of companies that organize extreme activities for tourist who likes the thrilling experience. Unlike other sports, we just need to prepare some pieces of equipment, but they can be found in a sports shop and are very cheap to buy. In contrast, if we want to try mountain climbing, we need to have an expert or a guide to instruct us on which types of equipment to buy, how do we get to the destination and the most crucial thing is our safety. If we skip that step, an opportunity of having an accident is likely to happen more than ever.
Even though it costs a much higher amount of money to try, it is an unforgettable experience for us. As far as I can tell, the number of people who want to try this is still not much like the other kinds of sports due to its price to maintain and the time we have to consume. Moreover, it is a good activity since it can give us the brave to do new things that we have never tried. For instance, artificial climbing mountain gives me a different feeling from other activities, I was hooked on it and spent nearly an hour satisfying my curiosity. In sum, adolescents or adults who are bored with their daily life should see this as a new experience to try.
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Several formatting problems can immediately be seen even before the actual essay is read. This will prove to be scoring problems if left uncorrected.
1. Almost 400 words written. The writer has not used a 40 minute timer when writing this essay. Such a word count cannot be achieved in an actual test setting.
2. There is no real prompt restatement + personal opinion presentation at the start. An immediate discussion without a proper introduction was used instead.
3. The response format in incorrect. The expected 4 paragraph discussion presentation was not used in the essay.
There 3 mistakes alone are enough to ensure a failing score. I can't even go into the lexical resource and sentence presentation errors at this point. There are just too many negatives for a single review to complete. There is no passing merit for this essay.
The writer just kept writing hoping that the length will be enough to pass the test. Unless the discussion follows the scoring requirements, the essay will fail regardles of the word count. He simply did not understand the writing instructions as provided. He wrote what he wanted instead, which will lead to a final failing score. Write what you are told to write about next time. Make an effort to read and understand the topic + discussion directions.
thank you for your feedback, this is my first essay so it is still contain a lot of mistakes, i will try better next time. Thank you very much, Mister Holt!