We live in a physical world where people aim to subsist on healthy and satisfiying conditions in order to live gleefully. Thus, people work hard and struggle along to achieve their dreams and expectations so as they sense the incontrovertible taste of comfortability or take a glimpse at their make-believe. Although, indubitably, only a fat cat can maintain an affluent life. Therefore, the main focus is, can people feel really satisfied of what they have and enjoy an utopian status?
Basically, people, in different phases of their lives, are looking forward to betterment because, as a matter of fact, it's in the human nature to never be satisfied. The psychological phenomenon I'm referring to is, actually, hope; the hope one have, hereupon, is a direct result of having these unsatisfactory feelings. Technically speaking, everyone have the need to enhance their life's general ambiance in several ways. People keep not only working to afford money, yet also, checking doctors regularly to keep healthy, amending appearances to undo age and life's hardest moments stains and fill their heads with the "dream house" plans and ways to save money for it. Therefore, hope for a better day generates the feeling of unsatisfactoriness anyone has.
The human brain and skills have been developed utterly throughout history. And if there's one reason for it is the feeling of being unsatisfied with what's in the hand. Let me break down for you; Humans , since the edge of history, have looked forward for improvements in their lives. They have struggled in hunting wild animals to eat, so they made primal weapons. They wanted a better taste of what they eat, therefore, they invented fire and started cooking their preys. Going on with time, humans have got to a point where they could visit space, fly all over the world, avail the earth's natural resources by mining into the firmest mountains and make such an incredible use out of the cutting-edge technologies they developed. From this perspective, you can notice that looking for changes and modifications in life is a leading cause to not being satisfied. That's how hidden desires everyone possesses make people want more.
To sum up, feeling unsatisfied with what we have is, actually, a leading reason for the existence of the human race until because no matter how deep a culture is and no matter how strong an empire is, with time, everything vanishes when losing both hope and ambition.
Hi Akkari, while referring to similar discussions, I notice that this is actually a TOEFL integrated essay (correct me if I'm wrong). However, I would like to give a complete feedback and corrections, especially in the first and the second paragraph. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below.
1st paragraph:
- ...aim to subsist on healthy and satisfiyingsatisfying conditions in order to live gleefully.
- Although,Indubitably, only a fat cat can maintain an affluent life. (avoid over-using cohesive devices like this, one of them is enough)
- Therefore, the main focus is, can people feel really satisfied of what they have and enjoy ana utopian status? (u = pronounced yu which considered as consonant, not a vowel. It is the same case as university. a University not an University)
2nd paragraph:
- ...as a matter of fact, it'sit is in the human nature to never... (avoid using contraction in an academic essay)
- The psychological phenomenon I'mI am referring to is (the same case as above)
- ...better day generates the feeling of unsatisfactoriness anyone has. (are you sure that unsatisfactoriness is the correct word? check it again in dictionary. I think the correct one is"... generates unsatisfactory feeling that anyone has.")
There you have it Akkari, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. I purposely left the other two paragraphs to be checked by you, other members, or even contributors in this forum. Good luck for the next practice :)
Thank you for the valuable feedback. You are right, it's a TOEFL integrated essay.
Hi Majd, I hope my remarks and observations are not too late.
What I notice as I read along and review your essay is that, it definitely started strong, you made sure that the introductory paragraph of the essay is somehow written in a way that there is an oozing confidence from the side of the writer. You know exactly what you are writing and where you want your writing project to go as well as the way it is presented. The fact is, I was so engrossed in reading your essay that it was as if there are still a lot more to come, until it hit the conclusion part.
As much as I love reading the first as well as the succeeding paragraphs of the essay, the conclusion did not deliver the same strength as the previous ones.
To better explain my side, please find the suggested modifications below;
- have is, actually, aone of the leading
- reasons for the
- until( I don't know where this word "until" fit in, but it's better to delete it ) because
- everything vanisheswill when losingyou loose both hope and ambition.
There you have it Majd, I hope the above remarks are still useful in your revision.
