Dear Wiwik, your essay is of appropriate sentences. Yet, let me give you some suggestions, I hope they are overly helpful for you:
1. It is better if you do not use
since it is informal word
, maybe you can change into Although
2. I suggest that you should pay attention in spelling and tenses
3. Your essay is not cohesion among sentences, maybe you need linking word
For example :
For example, rich people, they can get [...] and improve their qualify of life.
I will make a paraphraseWealthy community , for instance, are able to reach everything in their lives since they are of excellent facilities and premium services which is paid by their own. Cash brings cheerful leading to improve their quality of life. Money plays a major role in human's life style.