MANY CHILDREN THESE DAYS HAVE AN UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE. BOTH SCHOOLS AND PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOLVING THIS PROBLEM. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT?
The cutting-edge science and technology makes human's affairs extremely straightforward to do. This trend not only affects how inhabitants meet their daily needs, but also leads to a way in which children are educated to live practically. This pressing issue, of course, is needed to cope as soon as possible, but it is still questionable who are fully responsible for this case. Many people say parents are pillar who are totally liable for this since they are the first place where children is taught. Aside from that, schools are considered also as the party who are accountable toward this phenomenon due to the fact that many children's time is spent in this place. With several reasons mentioned previously, I am more likely to agree this notion by giving reasonably elaborated argument before any conclusion is achieved.
Needless to say, first educational value given for children is derived from parents. Scholars know to talk, walk, read, write and even meet their daily need independently is starting from parent's role. When parents tend to be careless toward this issues, for example they are too busy with pressing affairs, let their children choose fast food as their primary dines and never invite them to have an exercise, there will be no doubt that a live under health measurement is hard to be practiced by children. In order to cope with this problem, a healthy lifestyle has to be educated since they are still young so that this doctor-recommended life can be children's customs.
Furthermore, schools apparently are the party which responsible for this problem as well since scholars tend to have more activities in schools these days arranging from morning to the afternoon. With this circumstance, a life under health measurement should be instructed and implemented since students are in the basic level. Aside from socializing children how to live healthily, this can be started also by either providing a canteen which fulfills a health standard measurement or instructing them to bring home-prepared food to be consumed in the school. However, once school board tend to be irresponsible for this such as let educating children consume much fast food sold at school and never practice regular sport, this, of course, will lead to children who practice a life far under doctor recommendation.
To sum up, both parents and schools are pillars having more crucial age for children to know about valuable lesson in their lives. So, I would argue that these circumstances are totally responsible for children to live healthily. And to solve unhealthy lifestyle practiced by children today, a basic value of lives under health-measurement should be both educated and implemented in children's lives since they are young.
Muhammad, your reference to technology as part of the unhealthy lifestyle in the introduction is irrelevant. The topic being discussed is the unhealthy lifestyle of children in general, with no specific reference being made to any particular reason. Therefore, your essay should also keep the general discussion theme, sans any references to the possible causes of the lifestyle. the central point of the essay is that schools and parents share equal responsibility when it comes to preventing this problem. That is the only point that you should present in the introduction in order to make it more effective.
As of now, the introduction of your essay is quite confusing to read. The meaning or objective of the paragraph is currently hard to decipher. Remember that the introduction can be simply written. You tried to complicate the presentation which made it lose its focus. All you have to do to fix it, so that it will fall in line with the rest of the discussion are the following:
1. Restate the prompt that was provided.
2. Offer the two sides of the discussion as implied by the prompt.
3. Indicate your agreement or disagreement with the topic with a reference to a succeeding discussion in the following paragraphs.
The rest of the essay delivers a good understanding of the topic. However, I find it silly to edit the grammar mistakes when you have a faulty introduction. So fix the introduction first and then we can worry about correcting the presentation errors of the essay.
Thank you Mr. Vangiespen for your suggestion.
Let me fix my introduction first and I hope you can correct my essay.
Here is the following essay which i have fixed its introduction.
MANY CHILDREN THESE DAYS HAVE AN UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE. BOTH SCHOOLS AND PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOLVING THIS PROBLEM. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT?
It is noticeable that children these days tend to live unhealthily. This occurred due to lack of parents and school attention toward children's way of live. I am more likely to argue this notion since both of them are by far the most considerable time used by scholars.
Needless to say, first educational value given for children is derived from parents. [...]
The introduction is much better now. It is more applicable to the essay prompt so we can turn our focus towards the grammatical development and errors of the essay now. by the way, the conclusion needs some more work. I gave you an example of what it should contain below.
...This occurred IS BELIEVED TO BE due to A lack of INTEREST ON THE PART OF THE parents and school attention towardS THE WAY THAT children's way of live. I am more likely to argue this notion since both of them are by far the most considerable time used by scholars. SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH CHILDREN AND SHOULD NOTICE THE UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE OF THE CHILD.
Needless to say, first educational value given for children is derived from parents. PARENTS ARE THE FIRST EDUCATORS OF THE CHILDREN. THEY TEACH THE CHILDREN TO Scholars know to talk, walk, read, write and even meet their daily need independently is starting from parent's role . ... fast food as their primary dines FOOD SOURCE and never invite them to have an exercise, there will be no doubt that a live under health measurement is hard to be practiced by children THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT THE CHILDREN WILL LIVE UNHEALTHY LIVES... a healthy lifestyle has to be educated TAUGHT TO THE CHILDREN since they are still young so that this doctor-recommended life can be children's customs SO IT CAN BECOME A PART OF THEIR WAY OF LIFE IN THE FUTURE.
... apparently are the party which ALSO responsible for this problem as well since scholars SINCE THE CHILDREN tend to have more activities in schools these daysarranging SINCE THEY ARE AT THE SCHOOL from morning to the afternoon. With this circumstance, a life under health measurement should be instructed and implemented since students are in the basic level THEREFORE, TEACHERS CAN EDUCATE CHILDREN EARLY ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. . Aside from socializing children how to live healthily, this THIS can be started also by either providing a canteen ... However, once THE school board tend to be irresponsible for this such as let educating children consume much fast food sold at school and never practice regular sport, BECOMES IRRESPONSIBLE IN APPLYING THIS METHOD OF TEACHING, this, of course, will lead to children who practice a life far under doctor HEALTH recommendation.
To sum up, both parents and schools are pillars having more crucial age for children to know about valuable lesson in their lives. So TO SUM UP, BOTH THE SCHOOLS AND PARENTS HAVE A DEGREE OF RESPONSIBILITY IN TEACHING CHILDREN ABOUT HAVING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. THEREFORE, THEY SHOULD DO THEIR BEST TO EDUCATE THE CHILDREN ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. I would argue that these circumstances are totally responsible for children to live healthily. And to solve unhealthy lifestyle practiced by children today, a basic value of lives under health-measurement should be both educated and implemented in children's lives since they are young
