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Writing task 2 : Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good

AliminHamzah 6 / 9 4  
Oct 23, 2017   #1
Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good to exploit them. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.

how people treat animals

Several persons believe that something is not wise to exploit animal, opposite that some human society trusts, we can take benefit from the animal. This writing will discuss both of statements. I totally agree if human take advantage from an animal because one of utilizing animal is created for help human being to survive.

On the one hand, the animal could be utilized for aid sustainability of human life. Some animals are created to assist human such as horse, chicken, cow, and others. Taking an example in my village, local who has a horse, he will be easy to do his daily activity. Go to market, garden, and another place could be reached by a horse. So the animal has an essential position in human life.

On the other hand, mostly people who keep animals even tortured him. They think keeping animal is help their life with giving drink, eat and nursing them. Actually, people keep animal has a good intention but they do with the wrong way. For example, they keep a bird and they were thinking, they help to find food and drinks. The impact the bird will be stressful spend the time merely in the cage.

I agree if we could take benefit from an animal but we have to keep their freedom. In this case, we have to regard and think a good way to treat them. So, their life could be saved and they can get a happiness.

To sum up, keep the animal is good if you can treat with the right way. This article tells us about 2 mindsets human about the the animal. I suggest for government to make a new rule to manage this issue.

Please give me a rational score :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,696 3501  
Oct 23, 2017   #2
Alimin, your overall score for this essay will be a 4. The reasons that you are receiving this score are based on the following reasons:

1. The presentation of your ideas are not clear and isn't well supported in your discussion. The opening paraphrase is a disaster that doesn't really help the reader understand what the point of the essay will be.

2. The paragraphs tend to be highly confusing in presentation. Making it difficult for the reader to understand what the main discussion element or topic sentence of the paragraph is.

3. You have almost no control over word formation. This causes undue stress on the part of the reader who has to spend time analyzing what you have written just to be able to understand it on simple terms.

4. Your sentence development is really problematic. I strongly suggest that you try to do sentence development exercises in order to gain a better understanding of sentence development and so that you can learn how to control your word formation skills.

In all honesty, I would have held back on scoring your essay because of all the problems that it contains. However, you asked for a score so I had to follow your request and give you an honest assessment based upon scoring considerations. The outlined problems of your essay covers all of the problem points so you now know where to start with regards to improving your skills over your forthcoming essays.
amaris95 3 / 3  
Oct 23, 2017   #3
Hi, here are my feedbacks after reading your essay, hope you find them useful :)

"Several persons believe that something is not wise to exploit animal" <- It's not really clear to me what do you mean by something.

Furthermore, your opening paragraph seems too brief for me and I recommend to look for synonyms to use other than keep using the word "agree" repeatedly.
chantieh 3 / 8 1  
Oct 25, 2017   #4
Hi Alimin, here are some comments on your essay

I have noticed that there are several grammatical errors in your writing.
Your thesis statement is hard to follow. And I think it didn't clearly respond to the question.
And the body paragraphs are not really well presented and they didn't fully cover the task questions.

So maybe you should work more on strengthening your grammar and idea organizing first!

Hope that you'll find this useful.

Best regards,
just_writer 24 / 42 5  
Oct 25, 2017   #5
Here are some corrections,

human takes advantage
most people who
a good intention, but they do it in a wrong way.
help their life by giving drink, ...

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