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Some people say it is wrong to keep animals in captivity. Others say that are benefit for animal


Please give me comments to amend this essay and if it is possible, score for me. In fact, my problem is how to describe my idea within 300 words. I try to short and coherence this. Still confusing about the conclusion paragraph and personal paragraph >"<

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the role of zoos for human



The relationship between zoo and animal continues be a controversial topic, although the zoo right now evolves into "animal-park". In the following essay, I will clarify views of 2 perspectives about this problem and offer my personal opinion on the end of the discussion.

First, we discuss about perspective the anti-lobby who totally refute the role of zoo. In their opinion, the zoo damage the natural habitat of animal - include the survival in the wildlife and how to take care their offspring naturally. Moreover, it is immoral if we capture them on the narrow space for serving the benefit of human. Finally, the zoo is limited the evolved process of animal which is mentioned on "Evolution Theory" of Darwin about an adapted ability of animal in the natural environment.

Conversely, the support-lobby assume that the role of the zoo is protected the animal. At the present, we can't control an illegal hunting and the zoo is the best solution. On the other hand, facing with the endangered animal disappear more and more because of "big fish eats small fish" and natural diseases, the role of the zoo isn't declined. Furthermore, with the developed science, a human can create and protect the new species in the semi-natural environment.

On my personal opinion, I think the role of the zoo is predominant because it will protect the animal from the illegal poacher in the present circumstance when we can't control that. Besides, human effort creates the environment which nearly similar with a natural home of animal like the national park and trains them to live in the natural environment without interruption of human. Eventually, we can' refute that the area of the modern zoo - "national park" is more and more expanding and that is the great safeguard for many animals.

Jul 17, 2017   #2
Nguyet, the next time that you post your essay for review, please post the complete original instructions along with it so that I can have a starting point for the assessment of your written work. You see, without the instructions, it is difficult for me to review and make suggestions regarding how to improve your essay. However, I will do my best to assist you with your current essay. Remember, because I don't have the original prompt for reference, my advice will be limited in scope. I hope it still helps you though.

As of now the score for this particular essay is 2. The reason for the score is because there is a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion. You can limit this problem by using only one reason per paragraph and using simple English sentences for now. It is better if you present only simple sentences at this point because your English vocabulary does not allow you to properly use the words in a complex sentence setting at the moment.

I admire the way that you tried to present complex discussions in your paragraph. The problem of grammar structure and sentence errors is what pulls down your essay score. If you wish to improve your method of writing, I suggest that you read more English based materials during your free time. by familiarizing yourself with the way that others write in English, you will be able to pick up more pointers on how to better structure your sentence presentations and use complex sentences in a more efficient manner.

Your personal opinion paragraph cannot serve as your concluding paragraph. The structure of a concluding paragraph is the same as the opening paragraph. Only this time, present the topic for discussion, a shortened version of the reasons you discussed in your essay and then close with a paraphrasing of your personal statement. Just use terms that signify that the paragraph is the conclusion by saying phrases like "In conclusion", "In the end", " To close this discussion", or variations thereof.


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