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Ielts task 2: people sleep less than before, causes and effects

Osha 2 / 6 1  
Feb 27, 2019   #1

numerous people nowadays suffer from insomnia

people sleep less than before in many countries. why do people sleep less? what effects does it have on individuals and society?

In many regions around the world, people have less sleeping hours than before. This trend, which is mainly because of the presence of possible distractions and noise pollution in these countries, has serious impacts on individuals and the society.

There are a number of reasons why people sleep less nowadays. Firstly, owing to the great advances being made in technology, many much more interesting options than sleeping have become available for a person to spend their free time. Most people currently prefer to spend their leisure time chatting with their friends using Facebook, for example, or playing video games rather than going to sleep. Some of them may become addicted to such activities, exacerbating the condition even more, leading to further decreasing of sleeping hours. Another factor is that elevated noise levels experienced by urban dwellers inevitably cause sleep deprivation. By upsurging the rates of construction works and traffic congestion in cities, residents find getting into sleep is much more difficult than before.

This problem has drastic effects on individuals and society. By having less sleeping hours, people will lose their ability to relax and energize their body and mind, leading to psychiatric issues such as anxiety and extreme stress. This, as a result, undermines the victims' ability to communicate with others, disrupting their social relationships. Furthermore, staying awake for long periods affect people's mental concentration and, therefore, hinder their productivity. When a driver, for instance, has fewer sleeping hours than their actual body needs, they start working fatigued and demotivated, by which they will be dangerous to not only themselves, but also to other members in society.

In conclusion, wasting people's free time on other activities rather than sleeping, and increasing noise levels in some countries are the main factors behind having less sleeping hours nowadays than before. This results in negatively affecting individuals' psychological wellbeing as well as decreasing their concentration and output.
swaysbothways 2 / 2  
Feb 27, 2019   #2
i think it would be better if you put it like this: For example, most people currently ... Facebook, and playing video games rather ... - To be more organized.

Also use semicolon
Holt - / 7,651 1998  
Feb 28, 2019   #3
Osha, the essay prompt is what is known as a direct question. That means, you have to offer your response within the prompt paraphrase. Now, you were able to properly deliver the topic restatement (paraphrase), the response to the first question, but not the second question. That is what left your paragraph short of the 3 sentence paragraph requirement. You did not refer to what effects it has on individuals and society.

Your reasoning paragraphs are under developed. Your second paragraph focused on a clear explanation of the activities that prevent sleeping, but did not convincingly explain how noise pollution contributes to the lack of sleep. This paragraph should have had a better explanation if you had presented it in the following format:

S1 - Topic sentence
S2 - Reasoning example
S3 - Transition sentence to the next related topic
S4 - Reasoning example 2
S5 - Transition sentence to the next paragraph

By doing that, you would have offered a clear supporting statement for the 2 reasons regarding sleep deprivation. Please keep in mind that the maximum sentence requirement for each paragraph is 5, not 6. You did a better presentation of facts in the 2nd reasoning paragraph.

Do not use future tense presentation for present tense situations such as " people will lose their..." The damage has been done. Therefore the phrase should have been "people have lost their..." Use proper time references because that affects your sentence development and presentation in relation to GRA requirements.

The concluding paragraph is alright, but could have been better. The summary conclusion needs one more sentence to complete the presentation.

I noticed that you wrote 315 words, a number that will be hard to achieve during the actual test, even if you use the computer based process. Use a timer when practicing to get a better idea of how many words you can actually write before time runs out for you. Consider the editing requirement before you pass the essay for scoring during this process so you will have a baseline for your next practice essays leading into the actual test.
OP Osha 2 / 6 1  
Mar 1, 2019   #4
Thanks for your extremely valuable feedback, but I have a couple of questions if you don't mind.

Regarding my second paragraph, I thought that the causative relation between sleeping difficulty and elevated levels of noise is logical and doesn't need further explanation. In your opinion, how could I have explained it more?

The third paragraph was reviewing the effects on individuals and the society, so I'd like to ask what was missing here in order to completely answer the question?

My last question is about the additional sentence that is needed in my conclusion, do you mean a prediction for example or a recommendation? or something else?

Thanks in advance for your time and effort.
Holt - / 7,651 1998  
Mar 2, 2019   #5
In the second paragraph, you started off with a discussion regarding how social media keeps people awake. Then, without preparing the reader, you jumped to noise pollution without trying to connect the two through a transition sentence. A sentence along the lines of "Just as the blue light emitted by gadgets contributes to the lack of sleep of people, so does the noise emitted by his surroundings." That would have created a bridge between the first discussion and the second topic. The connecting sentence is very important because it helps to add to the clarity and understanding of the paragraph content.

The third paragraph needs only 2 effects for the discussion. Again, it has to be related or connected in the presentation so that each topic will always have one explanatory sentence after the topic sentence is introduced. Always aim for clarity. Don't just provide discussion topics, always explain. If you have reasons, but cannot explain the reasons then the paragraph lacks cohesiveness and coherence.

The concluding summary should include:
1. A reverse paraphrase (repeat of the topic and reasons for discussion in a single sentence)
2. A short, compressed version of the causes
3. A quick indication of the effects
4. Closing sentence

By doing these things, you will be able to implement the advanced writing style that the direct question with multiple discussion essay requires.

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