First, you need to select "Writing Feedback" Forum for TOEFL essays and make sure you open new threads in the right forum. That helps you earn good feed backs.
Most people always have an inclination to run away from the burden of life
... I think "burden" is not the most appropriate word for this idea. I prefer a word like "responsibilities" or "problems".
Moreover,they spend time on their own personal enjoyment rather than
doingfulfilling duties that they should doaught to attend.
Without having your full prompt it is difficult to find the alignment of your writing with it. Make sure you post the prompt in full for your next essay. If the prompt asks for your opinion on this argument, then your introduction should be slightly different.