My friend asked me to write an essay for her but I don't have much experience on this. Hope you can give me some comments and give out score of my writing (according to IELTS band if possible). Thank you so much.
#dolphin93
Money spent on phones
Topic: Some people today spend too much money on their phone. What do you think? You should write about 250 words.
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Phones play an essential role in society these days, thanks to their advantages. Therefore, several individuals spend a tremendous amount of money buying or upgrading their phone. While some people believe doing that is an action of wasting money and disagree with it, I would argue that people have the rights to do anything they want to as long as it suits their circumstances.
When phones appeared many years ago, they served firstly as devices which facilitate communication, especially for two persons being far from each other. Then, phones have been gradually advanced in their appearances and their uses due to the development of technologies. Hence, phone now is not only a way of keeping in touch but also a powerful tool called smartphone which brings more convenience to human lives. Besides, phones are also used for fashion reasons. Many phone models are designed quite beautifully and fashionably to enhance the appearance of various people. On the other hand, owning a limited or luxury phone is an excellent way to show the levels or the reputations of the rich men.
Because of their technologic, economic and fashionable features, phones cost not cheap, even extremely expensive for some sorts of famous brands. For instance, a new smartphone of Apple can be valued equally to a motorbike or a modern laptop. However, people completely feel free to do that if those phones adapt their demands without disturbing their lives in term of finance.
In conclusion, spending much money on phones is right if it is suitable to the individual's situation, and I believe that everyone has responsibility for their decision which others cannot judge or criticize.I am preparing for IELTS as well and having hard time for correction so I would suggest you as much I can.
Further, my analysis.
I believe you should stick to certain ideas and elaborate them rather than introducing new idea.
As an example, I would have wrote below points for para1 and para 2, you can write the same way and just elaborate them.
T is Topic, S is support sentence for the topic, E is an example and R is a result of previous statements.
Body 1
T: professional advantage
S: certain features come with more price
E: a professional photographer needs better phone
R: can earn more
Body2
T: more features and ruggedness
S: outdoor adventures
E: waterproof phones
