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TOEFL Essay on why people want to study (give me any comment on my following essay)

linjuncai 1 / 3  
Jun 14, 2009   #1
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Two decades ago in China, going to college or university could only be a dream to a small number of students. There were not as many institutions as today, and it was often a financial burden for many rural families if one of their children was luckily enrolled. However, time changes, so does the phenomena. More colleges and universities have been established and the cost fell due to rapid economic growth. Now attending colleges becomes a trend. From different backgrounds to different destinations, they are striving for higher education with a variety of reasons, which includes engaging in a new experience, preparing for a promising career, and equipping themselves with more power of knowledge.

To begin with, college and university offer a brand-new experience for the students. That means they will begin their independent life of their parents, during which period they take care of themselves instead of being watched, they make more decisions on their own with less seniors' guidance, they might also experience their first love story on campus. Such indispensable experiences will have a profound influence to their future. It is definitely a journey of self-discovery. At many universities, a lot of seniors, before graduation, are invited to share their experience with the freshmen. In those candid talks, they emphasize how much this unique part of life means to them. Obviously from these analyses, pursuing a different experience is a critical motivation for students to attend college or university.

Another direct purpose for higher education is that students consider the three or four years' study a good preparation for their career. In the market, an increasing number of jobs are requiring applicants with higher level qualifications such as computer science, business management, biochemical experiment, etc. These qualifications can only be acquired from colleges or universities, thus, students who set their vocational goals to become scientists, doctors or other similar professions have to choose this way. Higher education also indicates better income in most parts of the world. That's why a lot of students are so eager to attend colleges and universities.

Finally, college and university provide students with the opportunity to receive further education that enables them to expand knowledge from different disciplines. Higher education institutions are places containing recognized masters or professors with specialized studies in their fields. By learning from them, students will definitely have a deeper understanding about the nature, the society and their life. According to a recent research done by an influential HR company in the US, in general, employees with higher education learn faster than those with secondary school certificate in their first job. Therefore, to increase knowledge becomes anther principle reason for attending college or university.

Many more reasons can be named if we ask different people, but the above three should be the most typical ones that motivate students to pursue their university dream, one that will bring exciting experience, prosperous career and limitless knowledge.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jun 15, 2009   #2
Very strong!

Only very minor errors, such as:

colleges and universities offer a brand new experiences

However, as time changes, so does the phenomena.
bon 3 / 5  
Jun 15, 2009   #3
You have a clear structure! Good essay.
OP linjuncai 1 / 3  
Jun 15, 2009   #4
Hi Simone,
Thanks very much for pointing out the error, but I still have some queries.
I think the sentence: However, time changes, so does the phenomena.
should be a correct one. If I add "as" before "time", then I should also change the whole sentence into "However, as time changes, the phenomena does too". Am I right? Please let me know. Thanks

Hi bon, thanks for your comment too. I wonder what do you think of the arguement, as i don't know whether it's strong enough or not. Thanks
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jun 15, 2009   #5
"However, time changes, so does the phenomena." is simply incorrect. It is a run on sentence.

My suggestion was grammatically correct but is certainly not the only option. Your suggestion including the "as" also would be fine.

Besides the grammatical error, leaving out the "as" leaves out the association between the passage of time and the changing of the phenomenon. Without the "as," there is no implication that the changing of the time is the reason for the changing of the phenomenon.
OP linjuncai 1 / 3  
Jun 16, 2009   #6
They are clear to me now. Thanks again for your detailed illustration.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jun 16, 2009   #7
However, as time changes, so do the phenomena.


However, as time changes, so does the phenomenon.

Or, better yet, choose less vague phrasing to begin with.
OP linjuncai 1 / 3  
Jun 16, 2009   #8
Sean, thanks for giving me further clarification. Any other comment, please let me know.

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