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Toefl essay. people succeed because of hard work

Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 20, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing, so kindly check the grammar.

The question is that

When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success. Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

I agree that people who are successful are due to hard work, but not by luck. In school, students are not able to pass the exam without studying for a while. Scientists cannot invent new scientific theories without learning from previous ones. Each country is not likely to make a new weapon by not getting into the weaponry precedents. It cannot be denied how important working hard contributes to success for the world.

To start with the example, Karn is now working as a doctor in Thailand. To illustrate, before taking an exam for attending a medical school, he spent most of his time studying and review knowledge from the elementary to high school knowledge. He did practice for the exam for more than a thousand items. One of the people like him told me that if you want to go for a medical field or other faculties, you have to give up almost all day off to review the knowledge necessary for pass the exam.

What's more, you see Albert Einstein who invents the most famous theory of relativity. He could not succeed in create this new theory without referring to previous ones. He had spent all life studying and learning other principles about physics and chemistry, then apply them to one theory which has been popular up to the present time called The theories of relativity.

More important, United State is deemed as an example about many of modern and dangerous weapons. Today United States have a grate variety of both land and marine ammunitions. The problem is that how they are created. Its answer is many weapon experts try to adapt previous weapons to create new one with more efficiency. For example, F-18 is originally built as a model for F-22. The main difference is only about the level at which the aircraft fly in the sky.

In conclusion, Luck is not an indicator to make you succeed. The only way to do it is working hard. You are able to enter your preferred university, which make your parents happy. The theory of Relativity that is created by Albert Einstein has resulted in the scientific development for decades. Many arms are produced and brought in protect United State from any terrorist attacks.
hitchhike 14 / 27  
Dec 20, 2009   #2
Some suggestions:

In my idea, it's better to introduce names used in your essay, for example:
Karen, who is my best friend or who is my step brother, is now working...

...his time studying and review reviewing knowledge

He practiced more that a thousand itmes for exam

Today United States have a grate variety of both...I cannot understand the meaning of grate here, mybe it's great!

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