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TOEFL- People should take time to relax with hobbies or physical activities


Sunny H 1 / 3  
Mar 4, 2014   #1
I am going to take TOEFL test a few days later, and want to improve my writing skills~ I am also confused how to write a fine essay quickly ><

you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should take time to relax with hobbies or physical activities that are very different from what they do at work.

With the fast pace of today's society, people are under great pressure from daily work. They are eager for relaxation, and find ways to make their leisure time most efficient. Most of them turn to hobbies or physical activities that are not related to their work at all for realizing it helps them relaxed more easily than those have connection with their jobs. And I couldn't agree more with them for the thought of stress relief, and expansion of horizon.

Hobbies and physical activities which have little connection with current jobs can help people relieve their pressure from work. They offer people chances to escape from the busy and tiring work and have fun for a while, which like a recharge for exhausted people. However, if people relate their hobbies or physical activities to their work, they will easily think about the stressful work thanks to their leisure items. For example, my parents are both doctors. They are tired every day due to their special job. I know they are enthusiastic to what they do in the work, and I also understand their stress as doctors. After work, they like to reading books about history and society, but not medicine or biology. No matter what kind of books related to their work, they would not touch it, even if they love their jobs. So it is obvious that interests or sports not associated with people's work can let people more relaxed and escape from pressure.

Hobbies or sports differing from people's vocations can enlarge the scope of their horizon, which the related hobbies cannot accomplish. Handing some knowledge from fields not related to own major focus will offer us lots of benefits. People enrich themselves from those hobbies and physical activities; learn something new is always good for them for the future use. Take my geography teacher as an example. He is admired for many students in my high school, even some students he does not teach. Although his abundant knowledge in geography is part of the reason, the more important one is about his research in Chinese literature. He takes it as a hobby, and began to know about this field when he was in the university. He often gives students from all classes lectures about Chinese literature, which absorbs plenty of students that even more than the number of seats in the hall. Therefore, people like to choose their hobbies from another filed for opening their minds.

According to what I mentioned above, I am convinced that people should spend time on hobbits or physical activities which are very different from their jobs.

vynguyen 2 / 7 1  
Mar 4, 2014   #2
They offer people chances to escape from the busy and tiring work and have fun for a while, which like a recharge for exhausted people. However, if people relate their hobbies or physical activities to their work, they will easily think about the stressful work thanks to their leisure items.

These two sentences are not opposite in meaning, so the use of the word "however" is unnecessary.

Hobbies or sports differing from people's vocations can enlarge the scope of their horizon, which the related hobbies cannot accomplish. Handing some knowledge from fields not related to own major focus will offer us lots of benefits. People enrich themselves from those hobbies and physical activities; learn something new is always good for them for the future use.

These three sentences practically deliver the same idea in different ways, so that seems a bit too wordy for me.

You gave two examples of your parents and uncle and then generalized their cases for everyone by using "so", and "therefore". I think, logically, this is not the right way to draw a conclusion.

Apart from these issues, you made relevant points to back up your position and I really like your style.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 5, 2014   #3
With the fast pace of today's society, people are under great pressure from daily work .

Pay attention to what Pahan has suggested above. This is where you have attempted to introduce the background of the prompt, but it has been said a bit differently to what your prompt suggests.

People should take time to relax with hobbies or physical activities that are very different from what they do at work.

This suggests that people should make their leisure time effectively.
OP Sunny H 1 / 3  
Mar 5, 2014   #4
I gonna be crazy!! I've tried nearly 40 minutes to reply555~ The web page closed every time I pointed "post your message"!

THANKS!
But I am confused for the first suggestion. Should I change into "on the contrary"?
I totally agree with your seond point. But sometimes I am afraid I am not express myself clearly.
OP Sunny H 1 / 3  
Mar 5, 2014   #5
Ok, then do your practice essays following this structure

I knew this kind of struction actually. But the struction can never be hardest part for me. Despite my slow typing speed, I think the most time-conuming thing is to organize the passage-I need to make sure every single sentence relates to each other, and I also wander what kind of sentence structure is the most suitable-is it strange to native people? I am totally not sure!
OP Sunny H 1 / 3  
Mar 5, 2014   #6
dumi
Thanks~
But what do you mean by saying promp?
I am traying to say "People should take time to relax with hobbies or physical activities that are very different from what they do at work" because they can relax more (thoroughly) with hobbies that are different from their jobs than with hobbies that are similar to their jobs in the same relaxing time.

Can you get it? I am sorry you have to read so long a sentence- -
jon_snow 8 / 28 5  
Mar 5, 2014   #7
I think you put too much information in just one sentence, which makes your writing hard to follow. I suggest you to try to write a single idea or message in a single sentence and use linking words to connect multiple ideas/sentences. This will give reader a better understanding of your writing, at the same time, you can deliver your idea more clearly and comfortably. However, I am not saying that remove all complex sentences from your writing. If you do so, it will make it childish. But try to use simple sentence more. By the way, your reasons were good. However, it would be better if you state your reasons at the beginning of your body paragraphs. This will make your writing more coherent and reader can easily identify the main idea of your paragraph.

After work, they like to reading read books about history and society, but not medicine or biology.

we generally use simple form of verb after 'to'. For example, to read, to play etc.

wish you all the best.


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