Essay about people taking more than one job to earn extra money

The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashioned one. The new fashion mil be to have several careers or ways of earning money and further education will be something that continues throughout life.

Any improvements please..?

Earning Money Through Multiple Careers

Nowadays, with the problem of inflation surging, a significant amount of people is considering more than one job to earn a living. Definitely, with the extremely unaffordable prices of products, whether a need or a want, money earned from one job barely cover a basic family's needs. Therefore, I would like to shed a glimpse of light on why the majority of adult citizens are 'forced' to imbue their lives with numerous and undesirable jobs.

To begin with, compared to adults who worked centuries ago, the modern life of stress is skyrocketing. This is quite obvious when the issue of double or even thrice the normal energy is wasted in various jobs is regarded. Unfortunately, mainly male parents are obliged to engage themselves in more than one career despite their internal extreme desire of obtaining a leisure time to strengthen the bonds with their families. As a result, family disintegration problem befalls us which means that loosened bonds and loss of cohesion between any two family members are predictable at any moment even to wealthier classes.

On the other hand, this thesis sometimes have an indispensable role in poverty shrinkage. Not only does it provide cash for individuals, but it also occupy oneself into working harder. Moreover, the money rendered to working people satisfy basic needs and wants ranging from shelter, food and clothing to holiday activities expenses and school fees. This commonly happens only when either having one prestigious career that provide a notable amount of money or by having copious jobs where physical relaxation is not even considered.

To conclude, I unwaveringly think that one should not excessively strain and overload himself with unbearable work where I believe that an optimum of two jobs are a balance between his association with his family and acquiring an appropriate cash to please their requirements.

I guess you have written this essay in preparation for IELTS or TOEFL. Am I right? :)


.... this sentence does not have any grammar issues, but you can tell this same idea in a more comprehensive and interesting way. It is important that you have an interesting hook statement to open your essay.

Also, your introduction deviates from what your prompt speaks of. It talks about doing several careers from a different perspective that people wish to further their knowledge in different fields. That is what I understood by its last line;

dumi
Yes! It's to practice for the IELTS test I'm taking in 3 months. I took It before but got 6.5 in writing which is quite unsatisfactory. Have you took it before? Thanks for the effort btw. Can you guess which band score I might get with this style of writing? Thanks again

I wonder who really wrote this essay because I do not think 'pakias' wrote this. A lot of silly grammar mistakes can be seen throughout such as 'subject-verb agreement errors' and article errors. Task response and Coherence would not be more than 6 bands. The conclusion is a non-sequitur and this writer has no idea about the criteria of the IELTS writing test. S/he mainly thought IELTS essays are just a platform for pedantic styles. This person is using either some memorised chunks or this is not his or her's own essay. This essay would not be more than 6.0-6.5 bands as it does not fulfill the criteria.

Good luck!

I am the one who wrote the essay! You frightened me. I am an Egyptian and not very expert in the English language. I didn't fully understand why this essay will not get higher than 6.5 band and what is the IELTS writing test criteria, as you mentioned above? Please, help me! I'm trying as much as possible to get the highest score. Thank you very much!