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People tend to enjoy interaction with their friends in social networking more than in the real life


yika 6 / 12 1  
Dec 6, 2016   #1
The information technology devices have many drawbacks on personal relationship between people. In my view, I tend to agree with the statement as several negative impacts exist, although I do also deliver positive effect of electronic media on personal relation.

First of all, the elctronic media have advantage in the communication which we can use interesting features like facebook, twitter, and whatsapp application which available in information devices and very easily we use because it only touch the screen and we can keep in touch with our friends in social networking without the limitation of distance and times. However, this positive impact can become negative impact to our direct communication in real life.

The electronic media give some disadvantages in the relation, for the example, if we usually use the media because the interesting features on social medias, someone will ignore to their environment which it is caused by the utilizing of these media that give some comfortable using such as flexible place and efficient time when we use. Finally, many people tend to enjoyable interact with their friends in social networking than in real life and the responsibility of someone will decrease also will create the individual life in the society.

In my conclusion, the information technology devices have more disadvantage in the direct communication in their real social life than advantage which they get. I suggest that the using of electronic media must be controlled and must remember the purpose to increase communication with other people in large range without ignore in the social life where they live.

ryan27 - / 1  
Dec 7, 2016   #2
Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections for you

... negative impacts exist far outweigh than positive, although I do also (...) media on personal relation.
(i think it is better for you to add your notions in the introduction)

First of all, the elctronicelectronic media have advantage in the communication which we can use interesting (...) whatsapp application.whichItavailable in information devices and very easily.we useThe reason for this thatbecauseit onlythe feature provide to just touch the screen ...

(the sentence is too long to read, you can separate it into several parts for making readers can get your point)
... impact can become the negative impact to ...

... disadvantages in the relation, for the example, ...
thatIt give some comfortable (...) time when we use the tools.
alsoIn addition, it will create alteration in the individual life in the society.

In my conclusion, the information technology devices have more disadvantage ...(i think it is better you state again your notions after this sentence)
I suggest that the using of electronic media must be controlled and must remember the purpose to increasestay communication with other people in large range without ignore in ...

Overall, you give the explanation clear as you mention the benefit first and the drawback in the body II of paragraph

Thanks
nda18 46 / 81 9  
Dec 7, 2016   #3
hi yika,

> the first think that i realize from your essay is your essay does not well structured. it would be better if you put or mention your idea in your introduction paragraph.

> secondly, your body paragraph is not well structured also. it should contain several aspect :
1. Your MAIN IDEA
2. EXPLANATION
3. EXAMPLE
4. RESULT
5. CONCLUSION
> when it come to CC (coherence and cohesion), i think your ideas were great, but it lack of coherence, example does not match with main idea.

> another main issue is grammar and lexical resource, sometimes you use disorganize structure, leading to some vague sentences, so here are my correction for you

...although I do also deliver positive effect of...
( .. although i do also believe that there are positive effect of ...)

> your first body has very long sentence, it would be better if you cut it. here my correction for you
First of all, the electronic medias have advantage in the communication. It is because we can use interesting features like facebook, twitter, and whatsapp application which available in information devices. It also easy to use because we just only touch the screen and we can keep in touch with our friends in social networking without the limitation of distance and times. NEED EXAMPLE HERE However, this positive impact can become negative impact to our direct communication in real life.

you can continue to fix your essay, i hope my suggestion will help.
thank you, keep writing and break a leg.
abdon786 4 / 10 4  
Dec 15, 2016   #4
@yika
In my view and agree are repetitive in the starting.
Tend to agree --only agree can work.

You have good content but increase your focus on grammar.


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