Hi Miss Halim.
In this moment, I am going to share my thoughts about contents of your essay.Another reason is an entrepreneur should be able to making decisions in each condition
And the last to be important also is people will catch a huge networking in the business
There was unbalanced because you only explain the first opinion deeply and clearly. However, other opinions are only listed, not supporting sentences to strengthen your mind. It is better you focus on one idea, but that is reviewed well instead of creating the multiple ideas vague.But, we have to know if there is drawback also in this situation
You should harness a linking word appropriately.
HOWEVER, THE OWNER CANNOT AVOID A REALITY THAT THERE ARE DETRIMENTAL EFFECTS HAVING TO BE FACED.Please, you pay attention to the structure of the good essay. I have not found the sense in the second body paragraph. You only listed your opinion, but those were not explained. It seemed as Layman's opinions.
becoming a professional business is more get great progress than becoming a staff in the organization.
You failed to paraphrase your thesis statement in the conclusion paragraph. It is so different because you compared between Being the entrepreneur and staff. I guess that did not relate to the prompt given.Miss, I suggest you read more the examples of writing task 2 so that you can see how to explain well.
I believe you will master this skill if you have much time to practice more and more. Trust me.
I hope these can help you.
Good Luck