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IELTS WRITING TASK 2 PEOPLE NOWADAYS TEND TO TAKE THEIR FAMILY TO ANOTHER COUNTRY


minhnguyento 1 / 1  
Oct 25, 2019   #1

PEOPLE NOWADAYS TEND TO TAKE THEIR FAMILY TO ANOTHER COUNTRY WHEN THEY WORK ABROAD.


DO THE ADVANTAGES OF THIS OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGES?


These days, people working abroad often have a tendency to take their family to foreign countries with them. Although the trend may have a few drawbacks, I firmly believe that its benefit will overshadow the disadvantages.

On the one hand, these emphasizing the downsides of the trend can premise their standpoint on several aspects. First, living in a new country can be challenging to all members in a family since there are linguistic barriers and cultural differences. To illustrate, a number of Vietnamese women, after moving to Canada with their husbands, have had difficulty speaking English, confiding them to the kitchen as they cannot go out to socialize with local people. This, in the long run, can adversely affect their mental health as well as subject them to mental disorder or autism. Moreover, settling down in other country means the family may have to live far away from their friends and relatives. In this scenario, if there is an undesirable accident, they cannot immediately receive financial and emotional support from their relatives and friends. Hence, this trend may have several disadvantages.

On the other hand, an array of merits can be identified if people take their family to other country with them. First, family members can live under the same roof, which can strengthen family relationship. As a matter of fact, both husbands and wives will obtain more happiness when they join hands to bring up their offspring. Furthermore, children may have a golden opportunity to get access to better educational systems. For instance, since the educational systems in Vietnam could not satisfy local residents, many people working abroad decided to take their family to other countries, in which their children can stand a better chance of entering top-tier institutions. Obviously, the trend can bring about remarkable benefits.

To conclude, although there are several drawbacks, I would argue that bringing the family along when going to work in other countries is far more advantageous than leaving a wife and children behind.

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Oct 26, 2019   #2
@minhnguyento
Hi, welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to better improve your essay.

First and foremost, that first paragraph is quite put-together because of how concise it is. You were able to give a summation of the essay, and an overall outlook of your take on it. This is a great way to start the writing.

Generally, the issues that I find are mostly located in your usage of examples. When you're trying to expound an example, always make sure that these details are specifically in line with the intention of the text itself. In this part of the essay, it is noticeable how the thought started with the mention of linguistic and cultural differences. However, the "barrier" that Vietnamese women faced seemingly was not necessarily correlated with the cultural difference, rather with a generalized issue when it comes to adapting.

When you're trying to negate a particular thought into your writing (ie. when writing advantages and disadvantages, you usually have one to respond to the other to create a balanced argumentation), try to focus more on meeting everything heads-on. In your writing, the arguments on the third paragraph do not necessarily align with the second because it focused too much on the familial aspect. What you could have written about, for example, would be how the diversification because of multiculturalism has positively affected the general outlook of people. Giving out these sorts of details can be more integral for your writing approach.
Quizzy 4 / 13  
Oct 26, 2019   #3
@minhnguyento
You don't begin a paragraph on the other hand when you haven't compared nothing in the first place. for instance the beginning of your second paragraph doesn't make sense to me.

all the best
ChrisChen 2 / 5 2  
Oct 28, 2019   #4
1. I really appreciate your first paragraph, because your statement of the backgroung,These days, people working abroad often .... And you give your standpoint in the next sentence, it's good.

2. I do not think writing On the one hand, on the other hand is a good habit, because it is too much modulization, and it will affect your score.

3. BE CAREFUL, you'd better not use your own country's example, because this kind of examples does not have universality. You can write: a number of ASIAN women, after moving toTHE WEST. It can be more better.
OP minhnguyento 1 / 1  
Oct 28, 2019   #5
@Maria
Thank you very much! I have learnt a lot from your recommendations. If there are any grammatical mistakes please point them out.


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